Thursday, June 4, 2009

Interview with the Garlic Vampire

Welcome to Interview With The Garlic Vampire. Where Mike Brody interviews Count Chop-Ped...and is never see again...or is he?! Bah bah BAHHHH!!!

MIKE: Hello Count Chop-Ped. Daylight is approaching, so let's get right into the questions. What do you think of the growing trend of "pretty" vampires in movies and books such as "Twilight"?

COUNT CHOP-PED: Most people assume I'd hate it, but I think it's actually creating a lot of new fans and bringing attention to those of us who've been around since the beginning. But my one message to that vampire character Edward would be "Hey Edward, you think it's rough being in your 20's? Try being 1,000! It REALLY sucks!" Ho ho....just a little vampire pun humor there. Get it?

MIKE: Fantastic. Who were your main influences?

COUNT CHOP-PED: Well, I'd have to go with the obvious Vlad the Impaler and Count Chocula. But then there's the ones nobody knows about or gives credit to like Huey Lewis. Hell of a blood sucker, Huey Lewis.

MIKE: You know, I always suspected. Okay, here's the question everybody's been dying to know. You are a vampire and also a jar of garlic. How does that work? That seems impossible on numerous levels. Don't vampires hate garlic?


MIKE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COUNT CHOP-PED: Sorry, I got a little Billy Bob Thornton on ya there. My bad.

MIKE: It's okay. You know, you kind of resemble Billy Bob Thornton...what with the oldness and the ability to continue to exist in the face of reason and logic.

COUNT CHOP-PED: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIKE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIKE: Well, I think that interview went really well considering I didn't die somehow.

MIKE: I'll just drive home now. Doo doo dooooo. Wow, I really need to clean my windshield!

MIKE: Hey, what's that smell? It kinda smells like...

MIKE: GARLIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIKE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COUNT CHOP-PED: That's the "Power of Clove!" Get it? Like that Huey Lewis song "Power of Love" but "Power of Clove"? Because I'm a vampire made out of garlic and a piece of garlic is a clove. Eh, forget about it.

- FIN -

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Cookie Rapper

"Chocolate chip, oatmeal, peanut butter too
I'm the Cookie Rapper and I'm rapping for you
So don't just stand there, lazy, lookin' like a wookie
Reach on in and have yourself a cookie...MMMMMMMM!"

Yo, yo this next rap is dedicated to all the haters who think my cookies is stale! YEAH! (Parental Advisory: EXPLICIT LYRICS)


Yo, I'm wiser than Buddha
Damn your crackers smell like gouda

I showed Rudolph the ghetto
now Santa's drivin' a Metro

You's a big ol' clown
Bitch, put those Oreo's down

I'd lick a venus flytrap
before I'd eat your wack gingersnap

My ho's are so Raven
while your Ding-Dongs is craven

Even John Wayne
thinks your Grape Nuts is lame


I shit on tacos...

I shit on Swiss Miss...

I shit on Ramen noodles...

And then I take a piss........YO

Your snacks are environment keen
they go right to the "green"

Just like Tawny Kitaen
your ass will never be the same

George of the Jungle
Your beef jerky smells fungal

Damn, that Devil's Food Cake
Gives even Beelzebub a headache

So drop that ice cream cone
And give Cookie Rapper tha THRONE!


Cookie Rapper....2009 y'all. OUT!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Dream Journal: May 17, 2009

I had a dream last night! It was very short and I almost forgot about it. But I was at Scotty Robert's ranch. We were doing some ghost investigating. It was a lot like that very same night in real life when we were...ghost investigating! In real life, I was trying to feel where I thought ghosts were and trusting my instincts. I had definite feelings and tried to not second-guess myself. But unless something jumped out at me, how could I know? So in the dream I was doing the exact same thing, except I knew that I was 100% right on all of them. So, not sure what that my instincts? But it was an ego-booster in my dream because I was kicking some serious ghost-predicting ass!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Just announced! New TAPS/Beyond Reality Event at the Stanley Hotel! I will be performing paranormal comedy/hosting this event!

Beyond Reality Events takes you to the magnificent Stanley Hotel in
Estes Park, Co. A TAPS favorite, Ghost Hunters has been there on
numerous occasions and broadcast their first ever live Halloween
special from the hotel, (with amazing results.)

Join members of the TAPS team and other famous paranormal researchers
for a weekend of informative lectures and investigations at the hotel
that inspired Stephen King to write The Shining.

Visit for more information
and to purchase tickets. This event WILL sell out.

Don't be shy...

Come and play with us...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Dream Journal: And then the well went dry

Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been updating my dream journal. How very astute of you! The reason for that being that I haven't had any frickin' dreams! Or if I did, I can't remember them. I would feel kind of silly to write a whole post about how I saw a wall. Actually, what's been happening the most is that I will wake up in the middle of the night, see my Sunny Day Real Estate poster of an angel stabbing a dude, and think it's real and get all weirded out. That's pretty stupid. There are tour dates on it. So how about this...from now on, whenever I have a dream of some note, I'll just write about it. It might take a month, it might be tomorrow, whatever. Deal? DEAL!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Dream Journal: Day 2 (Even in my dreams it haunts me)

Damn man, this dream journaling is hard! I did this like three years ago and it was a piece of cake! Maybe when you have a job to get up for your brain is more concise? Ah man, the bed is right here and the journal is two feet away....ugggg....TWO feet. I know I was dreaming last night, but I just kept sleeping and sleeping until it's all fuzzy. BAH! I'm going to keep trying.

Here's what I do remember:

Oh man, okay...there's this song on YouTube called "Jesus Is My Friend" by a christian band named "Sonseed". A friend posted it on Facebook and it's been stuck in my head ever since. It sounds like The Specials found God, but also were sex offenders at the same time. It was in my dream last night. All I remember is that random people would sing it from time to time and I remember being mildly aware that I was dreaming and thinking "Damn, in my dreams, too?" I posted the link below. It's like it's the most ridiculous song ever but at the same time completely hypnotic and somehow actually not THAT bad. In fact, I listen to it about five times a day. It's pretty catchy. Catchy enough to haunt my dreams. Here it is:

Also, the rest of the night I had that creepy half-awake/half-asleep feeling of shadows in my room and weird things standing by my bed. But I was still asleep enough to have some character in a dream say "It's evil!" over and over. I have that a lot where I'll be dreaming from my bed. Like I'll know I'm by my bedspread and sheets but I'll think I'm at the bank at the same time. "I'd like to deposit this pillow." I have thrown objects off of my night stand at things (several time it was the lamp even!) that I thought were near my bed. I know that's just the hallucination factor of being half in and half out of sleep, but it feels real at the time and it's annoying!

(I promise I didn't make that up about dreaming about the "Jesus Is My Friend" song. That damn thing is still stuck in my head too. I'm trying to keep this dream journal 100% real, which is why today's post is so boring. It's AUTHENTIC!!)

Also, my friend and I have a promise/dare/threat to meet each other on the astral plane in a very specific location. It might take 25 years, but we will get it to work. I would tell you where it is, but no crashers!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Dream Journal: Day 1

Day #1 did not start off well as far as dream journaling goes. I completely forgot that I was supposed to do this. This is pretty much what went on in my brain for the first five minutes of waking up:

"Uhhhhh....oh my god it's 1pm. I slept in until 1! Oh wait, it's eastern time so it's really only noon. Phew! I should get up. But this isn't bad like this. I am laying on my side funny and I have to pee, but I don't feel like moving. I should get up. I wonder if they wash these sheets in the hotel everyday? It's cold in here. Uggggg. I should get up. Oh crap, my dream journal!"

I feel like I lost about half of my dream while mulling around in bed, but it's the first day and these things get easier as you go on. So here is my choppy review of the dream that I remember from last night:

I am at a golf course. It's green and the sun is setting. Still, there are a lot of people golfing and it's a big course...even though it's kind of miniature-golfy looking. I am not golfing because I hate golf, I just love golf courses. I think my friends are golfing, though.

I get a weird feeling that we aren't supposed to be there. My friends and I decide to go to the club house and eat. They keep moving us like ten times. My friends are sad (not mad) about it.

We are all in the club house now, except now the place has a wall that just opens up to outside, like it becomes a patio. I am sitting right at the point where the outside becomes the inside. There are some soft clouds passing by that are rose pink and are passing out of view over the roof of the club house. They are swirling gently. I say something to the effect of "Look at the twirlies!" and some dude in the back starts making fun of me for it "Look at the twwwwwiiiirrlies!" he says. Just then, the clouds pull a 180 over the club they are huge and fill the whole sky and are gray and angry. It's going to be a tornado or a huge storm. Not sure how I know, but it is my doing. Then I woke up.



Don't fuck with me or I will send a tornado down on you!!!!!

This kind of had a feel that I have with a lot of my dreams. There are generally three really common locations for me. The ocean (but not in it, just on the sandy bank of it looking out), a park of some sort (usually it's very colorful, kind of like that movie "What Dreams May Come" and sometimes it's a very specific one that you have to fly to get to. In LA???) and a college dorm (nostalgia for the good old days?)

Although this location was a new one for me in this dream, it still felt like the park that you have to fly to, although it looked different. Also, I have three re-occurring dreams in my life: Sharks, tornados and Godzilla. Godzilla and tornados are the same thing, and I haven't had a Godzilla dream since I was young. It's basically scary dark things that you can't see or do anything about coming to get you. At least that's how I see it. This was the first time ever that I've controlled the tornado or at least had it on my side. I kind of feel bad that I would bring a freakin' tornado on people, but like I said...don't mess with me!!

That is all for now. I don't know if this is interesting to anybody at all, but I'm going to continue doing it for seven days as a project.

Dream journal

I really enjoyed writing a daily blog for Mt. Washington and I think it was good for me to have that kind of writing schedule. So I think I'm going to try and do some weekly themes to keep me writing everyday. At least that's my plan right now.

So, starting tomorrow (or tonight, depending on how you look at it) for seven days I am going to start keeping a dream journal. I am going to write down everything I can remember about my dreams first thing in the morning and then transcribe it here and do my own little completely unprofessional analysis. I might have to do some editing if it turns out I have sex with you mother in my dream, but one step at a time. So now I guess I should go to sleep. (Also, I am not liable if I don't have any dreams.)

Thursday, April 30, 2009

My family tree's got Dutch Elm's Disease.

I've always been jealous of people who know their family heritage. Friends of mine who are 100% Irish or adopted from Korea seem to have a sense of pride that a regular ambiguous mutt like myself can't share. I can say I'm American, but so can Toby Keith, Morgan Freeman, Yakov Smirnoff and every Native American. So that doesn't really help much. I asked my parents about our heritage and I got a bucketful of vagueness. Still, my curiosity has spurred me onward. Here's what I've deduced so far from asking questions and a little googling:

Brody: (Gaelic) "Muddy place or ditch"
My mom's maiden name - Shogren: (Swedish - Sjögren) "Sea branch"
Analysis: I am the mixture of a dirty place and a useless thing. What the hell is a sea branch anyway? There's no trees in the ocean!

According to my parents, we are mostly Swedish, Norwegian and Danish. Probably. Even though "Brody" is Gaelic. We just really wanted to be associated with gunk, so we stole a name from another culture I guess. Also, my dad says, my family once farmed the land that is now Wall Street. Supposedly when the land was no longer productive, we just packed up and left it. So, in my dad's own words: "Technically, we might kind of own Wall Street. But that'd be a little hard to prove." Ya think, Dad? "Hey stock-brokers! Step aside, the Brody's are back! Get the seed corn! Hey, where'd the mud go?"

My family history is also full of pointless information. According to my dad, my grandpa was blood brothers with Chief Sitting Bull's grandson. On my mom's side, my great-great-grandpa might have known the Beach Boys' Brian Wilson's great-great-grandpa. Do you know what that means? That means my family is "that guy". You know that guy. The guy that when someone talks about Terry Bradshaw they'll tell a story about how their uncle-in-law saw him buying oatmeal in Omaha once. (True story.)

Sjögren's Syndrome is also the name of something that gives you dry mouth and eyes. Even our disease is boring and not worth mentioning. I'm not saying I want to be associated with some horrible calamity, but maybe we could be something that at least gives you the runs. "Damn you Sjögren's Revenge!" Instead it's "Oy, my eyes are so dry today. Better get the spray."

I actually wrote my grandma not too long ago to try and get some information out of her, but she wrote me a letter back about what she had for lunch. It was meatloaf. She's getting tired of meatloaf. It's dry, like Sjögren's Disease.

So you know what? I'm just going to forget about my supposed family heritage and make up my own. I'm sure if I just try hard enough, I can make myself believe it's true. From now on, I am Mike Megatron...Half fire god/half sexy robot/all man. My grandfather WAS Brian Wilson, my grandmother was Terry Bradshaw and the mere mention of my name gives you explosive diarrhea.

That's what I'm going with. It's easier than research.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Mt. Washington Day 10 & 11: The last night and the return home

Well I am back in the Twin Cities again and I already miss everybody. I can't wait until the next event.

One quick thing: On the last day after the auction Justin Libigs and his mother (Hi, Hunter & Firefly!) from W.I.P.S. (Wisconsin Illinois Paranormal Solutions) donated an extra $700 to charity. I just thought they deserved some credit for that!

(Psychic Tiff...Ghost Hunter/NARC agent)

("Grant Wilson, I'm your biggest fan!")

So anyway. How to start? I had a pretty incredible experience Sunday night. And I'm not even going to tell the full story because some parts of it were a bit personal. It is enough without them, trust me.

It was Sunday night and somewhere between 12-1 am. I decided I wanted to go to the Bretton Arms house on the side of the property. My friends Brendan and Julie decided to come along with me. There were several groups inside the building investigating. We kind of floated from room to room looking for a place with activity and with a bit of privacy as well. We tried a few rooms and had no success (imagine that, we forgot to bring equipment!) As we were walking down the hall to another room, Brendan peeks into room 48 and says "Does this room feel creepy to you?" We both thought it did. But we couldn't explain why or if we were just fooling ourselves. We had no equipment and none of us are especially in tune with anything. So I decided to text my friend Adam and see if he could help us out. He is usually on the ball with these things. He came upstairs and brought Mel and Andy from TAPS West Coast. Andy is a physicist and brought some equipment that he invented. He demonstrated how it reads electricity in a room like an EMF but makes a noise to read it (just for the record, I am probably butchering the scientific terms of this item, but I'm doing my best. Sorry Andy) So he held the meter up in the room to show the normal sound it makes. Then he held it to a power strip and it made a high-pitch noise. The theory was that a ghost could be read on this and even manipulate the frequencies to actually SPEAK through it. Long story short (not really...long story less long) someone felt a ghost enter the room. It got closer to the machine and the noise from it got louder and louder and louder. Andy encouraged it to get closer and figure out how it worked. The noise got LOUDER. And then.....I shit you not.....the thing started talking. I heard it. Everybody in the room heard it. Words. I still get goosebumps recalling it. This wasn't like some Stephen Hawking voice. It had a tone and a mannerism to it. I'm telling you they could put that scene in a movie and people would get scared. Some of us (not me!) asked it questions and it answered in (usually) one word sentences. It said it's name was "Ed" and 43 years old. It said "Help Me" quite clearly. It was asked if it needed prayer and "yes" came out. THEN, completely different from where the voice had been coming from the electricity I heard someone breath out very, very heavily. I waited for someone to say "What was that?" and nobody did. Finally I said "Which one of you sighed really hard?" We all then said we all heard it and that nobody did it. It was clear as a bell. Something sighed really hard that wasn't there to the natural eye. Then prayers were said and BOOM the electrical signal stopped. It was really fast. "It's moved on" was what somebody said immediately (sorry for the anonymous, I'm just being careful with people's privacy). Then this scene played out again with a different spirit right afterwards. Someone said they felt some negative energy coming near so they asked Andy's machine to say "prayer" if they needed prayer. (Because supposedly a bad spirit wouldn't/couldn't say that). The buzzing of the machine got louder and it said "prayer". Once again, I have to stress that this is not bullshit. I heard it. It wasn't all robot-y sounding. It was a VOICE. Imagine if you heard a creepy EVP without the playback. Like it's live and happening in the moment. That's what it was like. It was as clear as the EVPs from the Princess Room, but happening OUT LOUD at the moment.

Here's where I gloss over some things, but give you a general recap. It got really, really peaceful in the room. There was a very holy/calm feeling in the air. Then, I asked Adam (because at one point the clock said 3:33) if that number had any negative significance. He said that Jesus was crucified at 3pm so 3am is sometimes used by negative energy as a symbol of their...I dunno...hate? A bit of time goes by and Andy says "I don't mean to freak you out Brody, but..." which is the worst thing in the world to hear ever. Apparently it appeared like a shadow figure was standing over me behind my chair. Then we noticed that there were shadows on both ends of the room blocking out light and then letting it come through and generally making it's presence known. It felt like a good time to leave. The hotel employee who watches the place at night asked us what happened and you could tell by his reaction to OUR reaction that he was freaked. He could tell that we had seen something that you don't see everyday. And as we got into our shuttle to go back to the hotel I looked at the clock. "Would you guys say that dark stuff happened about five minutes ago?" The clock said 3:05. (The clock in the room had been an hour ahead, otherwise I would been way to freaked out to bring that time up before it even happened.)

So I couldn't figure out why the peace was followed by the negativity, so I asked. It was explained to me that sometimes when someone helps a spirit move on, that darker things show up to kind of say "What the %#$&? What do you think you're doing?" That's why I was glad to be around people I trust.

Then all of us went back to the main hotel and tried to soak it all in. I think it was pretty intense for everybody, although I think the overwhelming majority of it was positive. Remember that feeling of peace I talked about before? It hit me pretty hard. Despite the negative thingys at the end I actually hugged an older lady in the lobby that I barely knew and told her I loved her. Craziness.

ANYWAY! Thank you so much to everybody who showed up/participated/organized/helped out/whatever at this event. It was the time of my life and I can't wait for the next! I'll put up all the photos on facebook/myspace soon.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Profile: Dave Tango

Dave Tango is a paranormal phenom. In the span of five minutes he finished conducting a ghost tour, helped a woman spot her missing purse from across a dark room like a hawk, said thanks to everybody, took pictures with me, signed a photo for my friend Andy, answered my questions for this profile in the few minutes he had before the next tour group arrived and (I think) discovered the secret to time travel...all while breakdancing. Knowing that I only had limited time, I decided to cut right to the questions that are on everybody's mind.

Name: Dave Tango

Favorite Spice Girl: (After much deliberation and almost going with Posh Spice) Ginger Spice.

Would you rather have the power of invisibility or flight?: Invisibility. (That answer is 100% correct. If you had the power of flight you'd also have to have invincibility because someone would shoot you down. If you're invisible, you could hide and (if so inclined - not that I would) look at people in showers and (not that I would) steal cookies.) What is the rules on parenthesises inside of parenthesises? Is that even how you spell that? Moving on!

You were in a handbell choir when you were a kid. Who would win in a fight: The handbell choir or Manheim Steamroller?: The handbell choir because we have more weapons. (I think he meant the bells...not machine guns or blades.)

On a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty are you?: 1 (I appreciate Dave's humbleness, but come on! That's like Quasimoto/Hunchback of Notre Dame level! Wait...handbells...bell towers...maybe there's a connection?)

What exactly does "going Jersey" on somebody mean?: Getting red and having pure rage. And then feeling sorry afterward.

When are you going to just punch Steve?: In his sleep and then tell him something fell on him. (The funny thing about that answer is...I thought he'd say "in an hour" or "next week" or something. That was a very specific moment with a getaway plan. I think I should call hotel security and post some guards outside of Steve's room tonight!)

Thanks Dave for answering my questions when you were busy. I'm sorry that I've pretty much published your written confession.

(Me and Dave rockin' the air handbell choir.)

Mt. Washington Day 9: Radio Radio

Today was a really fun day at Mt. Washington. There were some really great talks/speeches/presentations (I don't know what I'm supposed to call them technically) by Tiffany Johnson about psychic powers, Kristyn Gartland about Paranormal 101 (she killed today - don't be funnier than me Kristyn!), Scotty Roberts about the Nephilim (NEF-i-LEEM), Nick Redfern on cryptozoology and Steve Gonsalves with "Tech Talk". Today I also learned that Steve's last name is pronounced (gon-ZALVS). Everybody thought I was pronouncing his name incorrectly, whereas I was probably the second person on earth to ever say it right. I can't remember who was the first and told me the secret, but you're not writing this blog so no credit for you!!!

Then at dinner we had an auction of various TAPS related items and we raised $7,450 for charity. Add that with the $1,500 from the previous week and that's not bad at all. I think Jeff and I are starting to get this dancing monkey/auctioneer business down. The trick is talking loud and fast and realizing that you can't compete with cheesecake.

Vegan Mel, myself and Tiffany Johnson (yes, I wear this outfit every time I need to be fancy.)

Earlier in the day, Bob Murch showed us all his collection of antique Ouija Boards.

Me and Bob Murch

Then from 10-12 eastern time Jeff Belanger and I co-hosted the Spooky Southcoast radio show. I think the show went really well. We basically set up in the lobby and just interviewed various "paranormal people" who happened to walk by. Jeff is in the white doing something douchey and on the right that's demonologist and priest Father Andrew Calder from Georgia.

After that was done I caught up with some of the ghost tours going on. This shot below was at the Bretton Arms house that is on the property. I believe the people on the floor were using an ovelisk right here. Note the "dorb" in the middle. That's my new word for an orb that is dust. In addition to the ghost hunts they also had a UFO lookout spot on the top of the spa. I didn't get to go because I was doing radio at that moment, but I will try and hit it up tomorrow night.

Tomorrow we have another full day of talks and then another night of investigations and then that's it. I'm flying home on Monday. This all just flew by. Okay, it's 4:30 am...I'm too tired to be sentimental right now. Goodnight.