Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Cookie Rapper

"Chocolate chip, oatmeal, peanut butter too
I'm the Cookie Rapper and I'm rapping for you
So don't just stand there, lazy, lookin' like a wookie
Reach on in and have yourself a cookie...MMMMMMMM!"

Yo, yo this next rap is dedicated to all the haters who think my cookies is stale! YEAH! (Parental Advisory: EXPLICIT LYRICS)


Yo, I'm wiser than Buddha
Damn your crackers smell like gouda

I showed Rudolph the ghetto
now Santa's drivin' a Metro

You's a big ol' clown
Bitch, put those Oreo's down

I'd lick a venus flytrap
before I'd eat your wack gingersnap

My ho's are so Raven
while your Ding-Dongs is craven

Even John Wayne
thinks your Grape Nuts is lame


I shit on tacos...

I shit on Swiss Miss...

I shit on Ramen noodles...

And then I take a piss........YO

Your snacks are environment keen
they go right to the "green"

Just like Tawny Kitaen
your ass will never be the same

George of the Jungle
Your beef jerky smells fungal

Damn, that Devil's Food Cake
Gives even Beelzebub a headache

So drop that ice cream cone
And give Cookie Rapper tha THRONE!


Cookie Rapper....2009 y'all. OUT!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Dream Journal: May 17, 2009

I had a dream last night! It was very short and I almost forgot about it. But I was at Scotty Robert's ranch. We were doing some ghost investigating. It was a lot like that very same night in real life when we were...ghost investigating! In real life, I was trying to feel where I thought ghosts were and trusting my instincts. I had definite feelings and tried to not second-guess myself. But unless something jumped out at me, how could I know? So in the dream I was doing the exact same thing, except I knew that I was 100% right on all of them. So, not sure what that my instincts? But it was an ego-booster in my dream because I was kicking some serious ghost-predicting ass!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Just announced! New TAPS/Beyond Reality Event at the Stanley Hotel! I will be performing paranormal comedy/hosting this event!

Beyond Reality Events takes you to the magnificent Stanley Hotel in
Estes Park, Co. A TAPS favorite, Ghost Hunters has been there on
numerous occasions and broadcast their first ever live Halloween
special from the hotel, (with amazing results.)

Join members of the TAPS team and other famous paranormal researchers
for a weekend of informative lectures and investigations at the hotel
that inspired Stephen King to write The Shining.

Visit for more information
and to purchase tickets. This event WILL sell out.

Don't be shy...

Come and play with us...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Dream Journal: And then the well went dry

Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been updating my dream journal. How very astute of you! The reason for that being that I haven't had any frickin' dreams! Or if I did, I can't remember them. I would feel kind of silly to write a whole post about how I saw a wall. Actually, what's been happening the most is that I will wake up in the middle of the night, see my Sunny Day Real Estate poster of an angel stabbing a dude, and think it's real and get all weirded out. That's pretty stupid. There are tour dates on it. So how about this...from now on, whenever I have a dream of some note, I'll just write about it. It might take a month, it might be tomorrow, whatever. Deal? DEAL!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Dream Journal: Day 2 (Even in my dreams it haunts me)

Damn man, this dream journaling is hard! I did this like three years ago and it was a piece of cake! Maybe when you have a job to get up for your brain is more concise? Ah man, the bed is right here and the journal is two feet away....ugggg....TWO feet. I know I was dreaming last night, but I just kept sleeping and sleeping until it's all fuzzy. BAH! I'm going to keep trying.

Here's what I do remember:

Oh man, okay...there's this song on YouTube called "Jesus Is My Friend" by a christian band named "Sonseed". A friend posted it on Facebook and it's been stuck in my head ever since. It sounds like The Specials found God, but also were sex offenders at the same time. It was in my dream last night. All I remember is that random people would sing it from time to time and I remember being mildly aware that I was dreaming and thinking "Damn, in my dreams, too?" I posted the link below. It's like it's the most ridiculous song ever but at the same time completely hypnotic and somehow actually not THAT bad. In fact, I listen to it about five times a day. It's pretty catchy. Catchy enough to haunt my dreams. Here it is:

Also, the rest of the night I had that creepy half-awake/half-asleep feeling of shadows in my room and weird things standing by my bed. But I was still asleep enough to have some character in a dream say "It's evil!" over and over. I have that a lot where I'll be dreaming from my bed. Like I'll know I'm by my bedspread and sheets but I'll think I'm at the bank at the same time. "I'd like to deposit this pillow." I have thrown objects off of my night stand at things (several time it was the lamp even!) that I thought were near my bed. I know that's just the hallucination factor of being half in and half out of sleep, but it feels real at the time and it's annoying!

(I promise I didn't make that up about dreaming about the "Jesus Is My Friend" song. That damn thing is still stuck in my head too. I'm trying to keep this dream journal 100% real, which is why today's post is so boring. It's AUTHENTIC!!)

Also, my friend and I have a promise/dare/threat to meet each other on the astral plane in a very specific location. It might take 25 years, but we will get it to work. I would tell you where it is, but no crashers!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Dream Journal: Day 1

Day #1 did not start off well as far as dream journaling goes. I completely forgot that I was supposed to do this. This is pretty much what went on in my brain for the first five minutes of waking up:

"Uhhhhh....oh my god it's 1pm. I slept in until 1! Oh wait, it's eastern time so it's really only noon. Phew! I should get up. But this isn't bad like this. I am laying on my side funny and I have to pee, but I don't feel like moving. I should get up. I wonder if they wash these sheets in the hotel everyday? It's cold in here. Uggggg. I should get up. Oh crap, my dream journal!"

I feel like I lost about half of my dream while mulling around in bed, but it's the first day and these things get easier as you go on. So here is my choppy review of the dream that I remember from last night:

I am at a golf course. It's green and the sun is setting. Still, there are a lot of people golfing and it's a big course...even though it's kind of miniature-golfy looking. I am not golfing because I hate golf, I just love golf courses. I think my friends are golfing, though.

I get a weird feeling that we aren't supposed to be there. My friends and I decide to go to the club house and eat. They keep moving us like ten times. My friends are sad (not mad) about it.

We are all in the club house now, except now the place has a wall that just opens up to outside, like it becomes a patio. I am sitting right at the point where the outside becomes the inside. There are some soft clouds passing by that are rose pink and are passing out of view over the roof of the club house. They are swirling gently. I say something to the effect of "Look at the twirlies!" and some dude in the back starts making fun of me for it "Look at the twwwwwiiiirrlies!" he says. Just then, the clouds pull a 180 over the club they are huge and fill the whole sky and are gray and angry. It's going to be a tornado or a huge storm. Not sure how I know, but it is my doing. Then I woke up.



Don't fuck with me or I will send a tornado down on you!!!!!

This kind of had a feel that I have with a lot of my dreams. There are generally three really common locations for me. The ocean (but not in it, just on the sandy bank of it looking out), a park of some sort (usually it's very colorful, kind of like that movie "What Dreams May Come" and sometimes it's a very specific one that you have to fly to get to. In LA???) and a college dorm (nostalgia for the good old days?)

Although this location was a new one for me in this dream, it still felt like the park that you have to fly to, although it looked different. Also, I have three re-occurring dreams in my life: Sharks, tornados and Godzilla. Godzilla and tornados are the same thing, and I haven't had a Godzilla dream since I was young. It's basically scary dark things that you can't see or do anything about coming to get you. At least that's how I see it. This was the first time ever that I've controlled the tornado or at least had it on my side. I kind of feel bad that I would bring a freakin' tornado on people, but like I said...don't mess with me!!

That is all for now. I don't know if this is interesting to anybody at all, but I'm going to continue doing it for seven days as a project.

Dream journal

I really enjoyed writing a daily blog for Mt. Washington and I think it was good for me to have that kind of writing schedule. So I think I'm going to try and do some weekly themes to keep me writing everyday. At least that's my plan right now.

So, starting tomorrow (or tonight, depending on how you look at it) for seven days I am going to start keeping a dream journal. I am going to write down everything I can remember about my dreams first thing in the morning and then transcribe it here and do my own little completely unprofessional analysis. I might have to do some editing if it turns out I have sex with you mother in my dream, but one step at a time. So now I guess I should go to sleep. (Also, I am not liable if I don't have any dreams.)