Monday, January 25, 2010
When one thinks of the greats of hip-hop, names come to mind like Grandmaster Flash, The Sugarhill Gang, Kool Moe Dee, Run-DMC, NWA and their offshoots, 2Pac, Biggie, Wu-Tang Clan and of course...Skee-Lo.
Skee-lo was weird. He rocketed to fame with his hugely-successful single "I Wish" in 1995, never to be seen again. While hip-hop was firmly planted in "Gansta Rap" at this point, Skee-Lo dressed up like Forest Gump and rapped about being just a little bit taller. He didn't shoot people. He made people smile with quirkery and magical, whimsical rhymes about girls that looked good and calling them. He was a rapper you could take home to mom.
And then, the irony of ironies, in the late-90's Skee-Lo was murdered. The one hip-hop artist that had nothing to do with violence was shot during a drive-by while playing pick-up basketball. The drive-by was meant for someone else, but nevertheless that day we lost an icon. If only he'd been a little bit taller, it would have hit his knees!
Periodically during the last ten years, I would think back on Skee-Lo and feel bad for him and wish that he'd put out just one more goofy-ass single. He didn't get the credit he deserved. There were no Notorious BIG-esque tributes, no back catalogues being released every year, nothing. Just "I Wish" and silence.
Then, a couple nights ago, I decided on a whim to Wikipedia Skee-Lo to see if it held any more details on the enigma that was his life. And....
What the fuck?! Skee-Lo never died! He was never shot! None of that happened!!! Yeah, apparently for ten years I've been thinking that Skee-Lo was murdered, when in fact I guess he just sucked. How bad does your career have to be that someone can think you're dead for ten years and nobody refutes it? And I told a lot of people too! Who told me that he died? What rat bastard gets his sick rocks off by spreading lies about the well-being of Skee-Lo? Why not Coolio? At least that guy's a dick!
And now apparently he's planning on making a come-back record. Oh no you don't Skee-Lo. You don't just die for 15 years, return from the grave and then waltz right back into my life like nothing happened. I've moved on! I've been listening to Weird Al. I don't care if you've got a rabbit-in-a-hat with a bat and a 6-4 Impala...you've got no respect, buddy.
Gah...I can't stay mad at you, Skee-Lo. I'll make you a deal, here's a list of ten things that will make me forgive you. If you can accomplish 3 out of 10, then I'll buy your new record and welcome you back into my heart. Yes, a couple of them are lifted from the 12 Trials of Hercules, but you've some making up to do. Good luck.
1) Clean out my garage.
2) Compose seven haikus about how you're sorry.
3) Bring back 2Pac. (Will also accept Biggie Smalls or Jam-Master Jay.)
4) Kill the lion of Nemea.
5) Make Health-Care work.
6) Get me a taco pizza from Godfather's.
7) Find out where Paperboy is.
8) Retrieve the girdle of Hippolyte of the Amazons.
8) Perform "I Wish" continuously every Tuesday in my living room from 11am - 11pm.
9) Make either the Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus or Lady GaGa go away. Your choice. (Hint: Pick-up basketball? Wink wink.)
10) Sign a letter-of-consent agreeing to attach a tracking-bracelet to your ankle, so I'll never lose you again.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I am fascinated by sub-cultures. For example, I am a stand-up comedian. Most of my friends are stand-up comedians. This is all completely normal to me, but for someone else this might seem strange and/or exciting. Right now there's somebody who's life is totally and completely dedicated to burritos. I don't know how or why, but he/she is out there. (It would be awesome if the undisputed champion of the burrito world was a hermaphrodite. Also, burrito means "little donkey" in Spanish. I can't seem to find a connection between little donkeys and hermaphrodites, but my brain refuses to relinquish that there is one.)
Here's another example: My dad has been into hot-air balloons for as long as I can remember. Because of this, when I was a kid, I got to crew for the balloonists and sometimes even go up in a balloon. I found that balloonists tend to be (in my experience) wealthy, fun-loving, small-townish and really fond of drinking in parking lots. And now my dad's interest has led him to become a hot-air balloon race MC. Think about that. A hot-air balloon race. A race of the slowest vehicles known to man. And he uses a microphone to tell people what is going on during them.
"Folks, if you look up above, you'll see #2 Dale Johnson. Don't blink!"
Two hours later:
"Well, there's Dale Johnson...still right fucking there!"
How do you keep something like that interesting? I've never actually seen my dad MC one of these things (because I've only been around when it's a single balloon), but I imagine in order to keep people from falling asleep he's setting off fires and releasing parking brakes from random pick-up trucks.
Here's what I mean when I say I'm fascinated by sub-cultures. I want to know any and all of the following: Where is my dad in the all-time ranking of hot-air balloon MCs? Is he the Marv Albert of inflatable competitions? If so, does that mean my dad wears dresses in the bedroom? Would a hot-air balloon of my dad in a dress be successful and if so, would he actually acknowledge it in the air or pretend it's not there? Is my dad going to be replaced by a younger, hipper hot-air balloon MC? Has the word "hip" ever been used in the same sentence as "hot-air balloon" when not referring to the joints of the average spectator? If my dad in fact does get replaced, would it take the guy ten years to get there because he's in a goddamn hot-air balloon?
All valid questions.
I'd like to conclude today by giving a message of hope. Never give up, folks. My heart told me that there is a little donkey/hermaphrodite connection and I now I know it's true. I'd like to present to you all...a heart warming story of Derek the Little Donkey and his best friend, Tootsie the Hermaphrodite Pony. Don't stop believin'!
Monday, January 18, 2010
I once knew a girl who sold a llama to Steven Seagal.
I could not make something like this up.
I have a list of questions:
1) This happened fifteen years ago, before the internet was popular...How did Steven Seagal know that a llama was up for sale? Does he read Llama Fancy, or was he lying in bed one night and felt a ripple through the current of the universe? "There's a llama for sale."
2) What did he want with a llama? Did he want to learn how to projectile spit to further defeat his enemies? Or did he want to snuggle?
3) Did he pay with Chinese stars? How many Chinese stars does it cost to buy a llama?
4) Fifteen years have passed...is Seagal a one-llama man? Or does he have a stable of llama mistresses?
5) Did the llama teach him how to act?
6) Is Steven Seagal part llama? That would explain the stare.
7) Did Jean Claude Van Damme get jealous and buy an emu?
And finally... 8) Why don't I have a llama?
Monday, January 4, 2010
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