Monday, January 25, 2010

Skee-Lo Lives

When one thinks of the greats of hip-hop, names come to mind like Grandmaster Flash, The Sugarhill Gang, Kool Moe Dee, Run-DMC, NWA and their offshoots, 2Pac, Biggie, Wu-Tang Clan and of course...Skee-Lo.

Skee-lo was weird. He rocketed to fame with his hugely-successful single "I Wish" in 1995, never to be seen again. While hip-hop was firmly planted in "Gansta Rap" at this point, Skee-Lo dressed up like Forest Gump and rapped about being just a little bit taller. He didn't shoot people. He made people smile with quirkery and magical, whimsical rhymes about girls that looked good and calling them. He was a rapper you could take home to mom.

And then, the irony of ironies, in the late-90's Skee-Lo was murdered. The one hip-hop artist that had nothing to do with violence was shot during a drive-by while playing pick-up basketball. The drive-by was meant for someone else, but nevertheless that day we lost an icon. If only he'd been a little bit taller, it would have hit his knees!

Periodically during the last ten years, I would think back on Skee-Lo and feel bad for him and wish that he'd put out just one more goofy-ass single. He didn't get the credit he deserved. There were no Notorious BIG-esque tributes, no back catalogues being released every year, nothing. Just "I Wish" and silence.

Then, a couple nights ago, I decided on a whim to Wikipedia Skee-Lo to see if it held any more details on the enigma that was his life. And....

What the fuck?! Skee-Lo never died! He was never shot! None of that happened!!! Yeah, apparently for ten years I've been thinking that Skee-Lo was murdered, when in fact I guess he just sucked. How bad does your career have to be that someone can think you're dead for ten years and nobody refutes it? And I told a lot of people too! Who told me that he died? What rat bastard gets his sick rocks off by spreading lies about the well-being of Skee-Lo? Why not Coolio? At least that guy's a dick!

And now apparently he's planning on making a come-back record. Oh no you don't Skee-Lo. You don't just die for 15 years, return from the grave and then waltz right back into my life like nothing happened. I've moved on! I've been listening to Weird Al. I don't care if you've got a rabbit-in-a-hat with a bat and a 6-4've got no respect, buddy.

Gah...I can't stay mad at you, Skee-Lo. I'll make you a deal, here's a list of ten things that will make me forgive you. If you can accomplish 3 out of 10, then I'll buy your new record and welcome you back into my heart. Yes, a couple of them are lifted from the 12 Trials of Hercules, but you've some making up to do. Good luck.

1) Clean out my garage.
2) Compose seven haikus about how you're sorry.
3) Bring back 2Pac. (Will also accept Biggie Smalls or Jam-Master Jay.)
4) Kill the lion of Nemea.
5) Make Health-Care work.
6) Get me a taco pizza from Godfather's.
7) Find out where Paperboy is.
8) Retrieve the girdle of Hippolyte of the Amazons.
8) Perform "I Wish" continuously every Tuesday in my living room from 11am - 11pm.
9) Make either the Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus or Lady GaGa go away. Your choice. (Hint: Pick-up basketball? Wink wink.)
10) Sign a letter-of-consent agreeing to attach a tracking-bracelet to your ankle, so I'll never lose you again.

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