Friday, March 26, 2010

Crystal Balls


I am addicted to buying stupid shit.

My room is littered with Buddhas, shark jaws, Nordic chess boards, a two foot Bigfoot statue, funky rocks and crystals. Because of this, I often times find myself in stores called things like "The Eye of Horus" and "Then the Oracle." I'm a 32-year-old man. Is this acceptable? Last time I checked, I hated Enya. I don't dress like Stevie Nicks. I like manly things like basketball and punk rock. How did I get so New Age? Gross!

The fact of the matter is, if I see a Tibetan singing bowl or a Amethyst lamp, I'm probably going to buy it. Lately I've had my eyes set on a crystal ball. What would I do with a crystal ball? I'm not psychic. I'm not going to tell anybody that their bike is in the basement of the Alamo. But the sheer audacity of having a crystal ball in my room makes me giddy. Also, it can be used as self-defense against burglars. If someone breaks in, I can bash them over the head and yell out a witty Die Hard-esque line like "Shoulda seen THAT coming!"

Usually when someone sees my room, there are one of two reactions:

1) They say "This room is so you, Mike Brody." Then they smile and leave.

2) They look uncomfortable, nod politely and say "I'm going to go now." Then they smile and leave.

Whatever! If you can't handle a Megalodon tooth and my 15 minute spiel on how old it is and how I totally bartered a clueless shark tooth salesmen in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan for half-price, then you don't deserve to be educated. You don't deserve to see goblins coming by looking through my Fairy Stones (I prefer to call them Odin Stones - once again, manly!)

So I guess the point of this post is this: Do you have a crystal ball for sale? How much and what color is it? Can it be used as a dangerous weapon and do I need to burn sage to cleanse it?

It's a miracle that I have a girlfriend.

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