Monday, March 22, 2010

El Chupacabra!!!



The Chupacabra has the best name of any cryptozoological creature.

Bigfoot is a giant monkey-beast. Nessie is a shape-shifting dragon or something. I think the NJ Devil wears a gold chain and has a reality show on MTV. Those are all decent names. But the Chupacabra...the CHUPACABRA! It's only a mangy little dog. And yet it strikes fear into the hearts of men with it's NAME! It's like a Luchadorian masked wrestler. I don't know if dogs can have zippers for mouths, but I imagine that it does.

Even in translation it's scary. "Goat-sucker". Would you mess with something that sucks goats? No way! Even if it was a poodle, you'd stay away from it. It definitely doesn't sound legal.

DOG OWNER #1: My dog can shake hands and sit.
DOG OWNER #2: My dog is fully trained as a service animal.
DOG OWNER #3: Mine sucks goats.
DOG OWNER #1 & #2: We're going to leave now.

This all gives me an idea. I don't think that I'm a particularly intimidating/scary person. I'm tall, but as many of you know I walk like a duck and my arms just kinda flail about. So in an effort to make myself more mysterious and dangerous to everyone I meet, I've decided to adopt a Spanish language nickname. I typed in three "frightening" phrases into the English-to-Spanish translator and narrowed it down to three. Quiver in fear!!!

Mike Brody is:

1) El Recordatorio De Vencimiento De Caballo - "The Horse Tickler" (Too long, I think.)

2) Monomonomono - "Monkeymonkeymonkey" (Monkey's aren't inherently scary, but have you ever seen what a chimpanzee can do to someone? And I wouldn't just be a monkey...I'd be a monkeymonkeymonkey. That's three times the chimpitude!)

3) El Chupacabra Dos - "Goat Sucker II" (What's scarier than the original? A sequel! It's like Gallagher II. Which gives me an idea. I don't want to kill goats by sucking their blood. So maybe I'll just find an inflatable mallet and bop the goats on the head at the zoo. I'm sure somebody will find that scary.)

TOMORROW'S BLOG POST: Bigfoot

29 comments:

  1. Mike Broday is: The "Coach-acabra"!!

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  2. that is a chupacrabra not a dog. it was only named the goat sucker cause no one knows what else to call it, its all new to us lord knows how it came about or whether we are just seeing it for the first time and its been here all along just like the bigfoot not a monkey again another animal we are not used to, there are many creators and aliens that walk this plant we have yet met them all! love your blog ;)

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  3. Whoever posted on November 11, 2010 is a giant idiot!!!!

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  4. Its a dog with mange...not some mythical beast. I've worked with abused animals for a part of my life and have seen dogs that looked like that...they got put down. Which, I'm sure, was far more humane than how that dog had died I'm sure.

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  5. Yes, note how I said that in my article.

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  6. a coyote with mange idiots. I have shot several.

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  7. LOL Yo no sabia que el chupacabra tiraba pedos.

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  8. How is it that a nearly one year old blog of mine is suddenly getting a bunch of comments?

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  9. Because for some reason, Mike, the "chupacabra" is listed as #7 on Google's list of what's "trending" now on their home page. That's how I ended up here anyway. Glad I did though. You're very funny. I'm gonna check out some of your other posts while I'm at it. :)

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  10. Ah, sweet! Thanks Natalie! Yeah, I kind of slacked off the last few months but I have a lot of posts and I promise I'm going to pick up the pace again soon. Cheers!

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  11. Well, there's enough here to keep me busy for a while. Found my way to your videos and laughed my ass off! Are you on facebook? I can "like" you and spread the word.

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  12. Hey, I just found you on facebook all by myself. And apparently, we already have a mutual friend: comedian Adam Waldron. Well that explains why I like you. I adore Adam. Anyone he likes, I like. :)

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  13. Yes I am! It's http://www.facebook.com/mikebrodycomic . My website is http://www.mikebrody.com . THANKS NATALIE!

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  14. Well I'll be damned. Small world! Shit, I've worked with Adam before. That's crazy. He's a good guy. Are you from Wisconsin? I live in the Twin Cities.

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  15. No, I'm in Colorado, but I've known Adam for over a year now. I will probably talk to him later tonight actually! I will have to tell him I found you. The internet is a small world I guess. lol!

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  16. You didn't have a "like" button so I sent you a friend request. Didn't know what else to do. lol! I hope that's not weird. If it is, just ignore the friend request. I will just have to find another way to tell my friends about you.

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  17. Oh that's not awkward! But I totally forgot I have a "like"able fan page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Comedian-Mike-Brody-Fan-Page/110421755636984 THANKS!!!

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  18. Like Natalie-"chupacabra" caught my attention..your amazing humor kept my attention. What a great combo! Great stuff!- I will also have to cruise around your site...much humor and interesting reading...glad I found you!
    I think the chupacabra is a real, separate animal-in a class all it's own.
    You could go with the nickname "Abrapacabra" since these creatures seem to appear and disappear. Just saying....
    Love your style...
    >^..^< (no, that is not a chupa-that is a cat)

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  19. Chupacabra is apparently a hairless raccoon. Thats total bullshit!

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  20. Thanks guys! Wow, that's pretty cool. :) I really appreciate it.

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  21. Also like Natalie & everyone else, "chupacabra" caught my attention and your amazing sense of humor kept it. We have a hairless dog and are always curious as to what someone is calling a "chupacabra." Your blog is great....both my husband and I LOAO,thanks for the great start to our day.

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  22. Looks alot like my red Australian Cattle Dog. (not the opossum pic)

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  23. LMFAO!
    Mister Mike, sir you are really funny, I stumbled upon your blog and you totally made me laugh. I speak spanish and your post was entertaining :D

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  24. Thanks again everybody. This has been a really great surprise for me. I didn't think anybody was reading so I'll make sure to start up again.

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  25. Thanks to the comments on this article, I started blogging again. Here's the first one I've done in months: http://mikebrodycomedian.blogspot.com/2011/01/eh-canada.html

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  26. This blog made me laugh. I would totally go with the name monomono. The third mono is just too repetetive. Or perhaps El Chupacabra Mono.

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  27. I too was here because of Google listing the El Chupacabra as # 7 on the trend list.
    But if you don't mind I'd like to add a little logic. The El Chupacabra does in away exist.
    a creature of unknown origin eating chickens and draining the blood from goats.
    Look at the facts (Something ate the livestock) +
    (what ever did it is unknown)= What ever did it is in a sense the "El Chupacabra".
    So we Could also say that El Chupacabra =
    BAD DOG

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  28. Hey Mike, Those fuzzy pics at the top of your post are of a frickin wallaby

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