Monday, March 22, 2010
The Chupacabra has the best name of any cryptozoological creature.
Bigfoot is a giant monkey-beast. Nessie is a shape-shifting dragon or something. I think the NJ Devil wears a gold chain and has a reality show on MTV. Those are all decent names. But the Chupacabra...the CHUPACABRA! It's only a mangy little dog. And yet it strikes fear into the hearts of men with it's NAME! It's like a Luchadorian masked wrestler. I don't know if dogs can have zippers for mouths, but I imagine that it does.
Even in translation it's scary. "Goat-sucker". Would you mess with something that sucks goats? No way! Even if it was a poodle, you'd stay away from it. It definitely doesn't sound legal.
DOG OWNER #1: My dog can shake hands and sit.
DOG OWNER #2: My dog is fully trained as a service animal.
DOG OWNER #3: Mine sucks goats.
DOG OWNER #1 & #2: We're going to leave now.
This all gives me an idea. I don't think that I'm a particularly intimidating/scary person. I'm tall, but as many of you know I walk like a duck and my arms just kinda flail about. So in an effort to make myself more mysterious and dangerous to everyone I meet, I've decided to adopt a Spanish language nickname. I typed in three "frightening" phrases into the English-to-Spanish translator and narrowed it down to three. Quiver in fear!!!
Mike Brody is:
1) El Recordatorio De Vencimiento De Caballo - "The Horse Tickler" (Too long, I think.)
2) Monomonomono - "Monkeymonkeymonkey" (Monkey's aren't inherently scary, but have you ever seen what a chimpanzee can do to someone? And I wouldn't just be a monkey...I'd be a monkeymonkeymonkey. That's three times the chimpitude!)
3) El Chupacabra Dos - "Goat Sucker II" (What's scarier than the original? A sequel! It's like Gallagher II. Which gives me an idea. I don't want to kill goats by sucking their blood. So maybe I'll just find an inflatable mallet and bop the goats on the head at the zoo. I'm sure somebody will find that scary.)
TOMORROW'S BLOG POST: Bigfoot