Monday, March 29, 2010


They say that the lore of mermaids first came about when land-deprived sailors saw sea-cows on the horizon and mistook them for fish-women. The same is said about unicorns and rhinoceroses. This fact tells me one thing: People were stupid. Either that or eye-glasses were not in everyday use yet. Also, sailors are/were desperately horny.

So if many of our mythological creatures were created due to mistaken identity, how did gnomes come about? As far as I can tell, they look nothing like any kind of animal or natural structure of any type. They have big, pointy red hats. Did they have traffic cones in Renaissance-era Europe?

At the same time, I am supremely jealous of a time when magic still existed in the hearts of the people. Yeah, it's ignorance maybe. But how much would the world kick-ass if you thought there were little leprechauns and gnomes and brownies hiding around every shrub and tree?

If I lived in Olden-Times, I think my day would go something like this:

9am: Get up and milk my gryphon.
10am: Play Wack-a-Troll
11am: Sponge bath from water nymphs
12pm: Lunch with Merlin
1pm-3pm: Nap
4pm: Steal Bilbo Baggins' ring
5pm: Almost die from Black Plague - saved by fairies
6pm: Nap
7pm: Righteously burn some witches
8pm: Nap
9pm: Go to blood-letting center
10pm: Be cursed into a frog. Have frog sex just to see what it's like before being saved by fairies.
11pm: Invent time machine.
12am: Spoon for night with Scarlett Johansson. Yell at her for making stupid Tom Waits cover album.


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