Wednesday, March 24, 2010

75% chance of awesomeness

Did you know that it can actually rain fish?

This isn't pseudo-science, this is a real thing. It's not common, but every once in a while a tornado will go over a body of water (it's called a water-spout) and pick up fish, frogs, eggs, kelp, whatever and lift it up high into the sky. We aren't really sure how long these things stay up there, but eventually they come down. Sometimes they're even frozen. The cool thing is, they usually come down separately, as if they were sifted by their weight. So if it rains frogs, it just rains frogs. There's no weeds or fish or pebbles included. Until those come down too, by themselves.

I can't even imagine the amount of confusion this would instill in someone. Picture yourself at a park having lunch. You see rain clouds. "Oh honey, we better get a move on...looks like it's going to rain." Then, WHACK! A mackerel right to the kisser. You'd probably think some bastard threw it at you, but then another one comes and another. Now it's literally raining fish. I would probably be wondering if I did something to piss off some local nerd-wizard at this point. "I'm sorry I made fun of Dungeons & Dragons! Rush is a really good band! I love your duster! Please, make it stop!"

So theoretically, if it can rain things of various sizes and shapes, like eggs and fish and amphibious creatures, it could rain just about anything of a certain size. Maybe with even stronger winds it can pick up something even bigger? Think of the possibilities. The potential for awesome bewilderment is limitless.

I wish no bodily or financial harm on anybody, but imagine the minds that would be blown if it rained:

Hardcore gay porn: A porn-shop gets destroyed in a twister. One minute someone's walking to church and the next minute multiple copies of "Fun Boys Vol. 3" are dropping from the heavens. "But I thought you DIDN'T want us to do that?!"

Little people: I'd really like it if a bunch of dwarfs re-enacting the Civil War could get swooped up and rain down on...anything. Really, anything. I don't care if you're at a camp fire in a trailer park or being sworn in at the White House, I imagine you'd piss your pants at the sight of mini-Abraham Lincoln hitting a car windshield. Everyone would think time machines make you shrink!

Manatees: Let's say you live in Minnesota. You've never seen a sea-cow before. Well, today is your lucky day, because a couple hundred have been air-lifted in from Atlantis (I don't know where they come from). It's okay, PETA people, because in my fantasy manatees are so adorably blubbery that they BOUNCE! And if you can jump onto one of their backs in the 0.00001 seconds before they bounce off again, it'll take you to up to Bifrost, the mystical rainbow bridge of the gods! Happy day!

On final note...I'm a little bit worried that a google search of Mike Brody will now possibly reveal the words "Hardcore gay porn." In italics. Welcome, fun boys!

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