Friday, April 9, 2010

The Three Scariest Movies

Here is my list of the three scariest movies ever made (in my humble opinion).

1) The Exorcist -

Maybe this movie isn't scary to people who saw it as an adult, but I first saw this movie in seventh grade and I didn't sleep without the covers over my head for a year. Eeek, the voices. The voices! The scariest things are the ones you don't see. And throughout this movie you never see the actual demon, just the girl it possesses. It leaves your imagination alone to go wild and it's infinitely freakier than a CGI monster or a dude in a suit. Also, they made a new re-edited version about ten years ago. The movie is basically the same, but with a few minor changes. When I saw the new one for the first time, it seemed just like the original...except BLAMMO out of the blue suddenly there's a crazy spider girl that runs down the stairs on all fours upside down! UPSIDE DOWN!!! Holy balls! Why did they leave that out of the original? It's easily the most startling thing I've seen in a horror movie. Although, I just re-watched the clip on Youtube and I have a slight problem with the actress who plays the mother's acting. Her daughter just spider-walked upside down a staircase with blood dripping out of her mouth and she lethargically says "oh my god" as if she forgot to pay the electric bill. I think if I were that mother, my reaction would be 1) "OHHH MYYY SWEETTTT GODDD IN HEAVEN MY DAUGHTER IS A FREAKK CONTORTIONIST DEMON CHILD!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" 2) Then I would crap my pants 3) Then I would scream "I JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS!" 4) Then I would play dead. 5) Then I would check to make sure she wasn't eating me 6) Then I would crap my pants again and scream some more.

Not: "Oh my god. Yawn. This is highly irregular that my child is acting this way. I should put her in a time out. Is the Brady Bunch a re-run this week?"

2) The Blair Witch Project

I know I'll take some flak for this, but this movie really flipped me out. I saw it in a local old-timey theater in Iowa City in 1999 before all the hype hit. I wasn't stupid enough to think it was real, but still it felt real enough to shake me up. Once again, it's the things you don't see. This movie was masterful at that, with just a bare-bones budget. I love Chris Rock's joke about this movie: "The Blair Witch Project cost $60,000 to make. Somebody's walking around with $59,000 in their pocket right now!"

If I were those kids lost in the woods, I wouldn't have died off so easily though. My solution would be easy. Screw Smokey the Bear. I'm burning the whole damn forest down. Either one of two things happen: 1) The firefighters see it and come rescue you. 2) You burn to death. Either one is better than getting your soul eaten by a dastardly witch! She took the guy's tongue! And there was a lot of standing in corners! That's no fun. If I'm gonna get killed by a witch, I don't want to stand around and wait like it's a paranormal DMV. I'm not taking a ticket to end up trapped in a house for eternity. I'm just saying. Screw Greenpeace. I'm burning the forest down. Does Greenpeace do forests? I usually just associate them with whales. If there were a whale in the forest too, I'd Chinese water torture it until Susan Sarandon came swinging on a vine to save the day. Can whales be tortured with water? Maybe I'd just tickle it. Everybody wins that way.

3) Larry The Cable Guy - Health Inspector

I still have nightmares to this day.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Winchester Mystery House

I think there's a kind of crazy that only rich people can achieve.

Case in point: Sarah Winchester. Sarah was the widow and heiress of William Wirt Winchester, of Winchester Rifles fame. Long story short, Sarah's husband and small child die. Sarah consults a psychic. Said psychic tells Sarah her and her family are cursed. Because of the pain and death that the Winchester Rifles have caused, she must continue building her house or she'll die too (presumably at the hands of the spirits who died from the rifles). So Sarah did what any normal, everyday person would do: She used her massive wealth and inheritance to fund construction non-stop on her mansion from 1884 to her death in 1922. Among other things, there are 10,000 windowpanes, stairways that lead to nothing and 47 chimneys. Right? That's normal.

The thing that I don't get is, how does construction keep ghosts away? Are ghosts afraid of unions? Do the construction workers' taunts keep the spirits away? "Lookin' good Ghostie! Woo hoo!" I read that she thought they'd get lost in the stairways, but really? Really? How stupid are ghosts? They've pierced the veil of immortality but can't figure out the steps? Maybe they should think this through. "Gee, I've come back to earth to extract revenge and now I'm stuck in a hallway that shrinks into nothing. Maybe my skills of deduction aren't as keen as I'd hoped. Well, back to Detroit." (Detroit is the site of Purgatory in my head. Wanna argue about it? It's got abandoned skyscrapers.)

This all made me think. If, by this logic, ghosts can get lost, then that must mean they are susceptible to physical things. So if I were Mrs. Winchester, I'd have quit being passive and built some quicksand pits. Eh? I came here to do two things: Kick some ghost-ass and chew bubble gum. And bubble gum hasn't been invented yet. (Yes, I took a quote from "They Live" and modified it to fit the early 1900's. Deal with it!) Time to stop whining like a typical rifle heiress and start taking names, Home Alone style. Oh, don't follow me up to this stairway, ghost...I don't know if it's a dead-end! BAM! Paint can to the ghost-head! Hey spooky, it's dark in here, you should pull on that light bulb string...OHHH, an iron to the kisser! And then we'd meet a scary old person who ends up having a heart of gold.

Problem solved.

Or spend $80 million on elevators. Whatever.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Toby Keith is a space alien

UFOs exist. It's 100% positive.

"UFO" stands for unidentified flying object. That means anything can be a UFO if nobody can identify it. If Estonia could fly, it would be a UFO to 99% of America. (Keep reaching for the skies Estonia, I believe in you. Don't let anybody doubt you just because you used to be a part of Canada.)

The argument people really have is whether or not aliens from another galaxy exist. And have they visited our planet? I heard a guy once say "There's no way alien space-ships have been to Earth because the amount of fuel it would take is astronomical." They don't drive Ford Focuses, dummy. Do you think they use ethanol or E85? But if they did have Space-Focuses, that would explain the crop-circles. They're oil leaks.

If extraterrestrial aliens exist, they'd be nothing like us. They wouldn't have days like us because (presumably) they'd have a different sun or suns. They wouldn't take their goobles (that's what I call baby aliens) to soccer practice. Maybe they're the size of fleas? Maybe we're the size of fleas to them? Maybe they eat through their butt? Maybe they don't have butts? All they want are butts!

The point is, we can never really know one way or another. We're still a really stupid creature, us humans. We don't even know about the bottom of the sea, so how can we know about the furthest reaches of the universe?

I personally think that Toby Keith is a space alien. Just look at him. Something's wrong.

One of his eyes is bigger than the other. His nose is deflated. And he's either coming out of the clouds or the mud, but either way it ain't natural. What are you hiding, Toby Keith? What are you hiding?! What in the name of Kodiak does he want? Well, I'll tell you. I deciphered an anagram of "Toby Keith" and it spells out "Be oh kitty". B.O. kitty. It also spells "Hi Betty OK."

Toby Keith is here to tell us our cats smell and to say hi to Betty. So people of Earth, wash your felines! And make sure to be nice to Betty, or Toby Keith will put a space-boot in yer ass!

Friday, April 2, 2010

An Open Letter to Leprechauns

Leprechauns - It's time to modernize.

Everybody's laughing at you. It's 2010 and yet you insist on wearing a bright green top-hat (with a buckle - you have to have that buckle) with matching green coat and pantaloons and all that fruity stuff. Did you lose a bet? You look like a magical Amish person. And what's with the shillelagh? I hate to break it to you buddy, but it's just a stick. It's a stick! Just because you can dance on rainbows and turn people into toads doesn't mean that you get to call your stick something whimsical. Stop it! No, never mind...keep it up. Because I'm going to start calling all my ordinary things something outlandish. I'm not drinking out of a coffee mug, it's a Boot-boot-wibble. There! Stupid, isn't it? You're a jerk!

And you know what, Lucky? If I want your Lucky Charms I can just go to the store and buy it. You can get it at the most ghetto-ass gas-station, so don't act like you're all fancy. And honestly, I'm more of a Cap'n Crunch man. When I was in 4th grade, I won $100 in one of his boxes of cereal. I used it to buy a basketball, a Risk board-game, a Bell Biv Devoe tape and I spent the rest on Twix bars. Now that's magical. And yeah, the Cap'n is a little stuck in the past too stylistically. But he's a goddamn captain and a generous man. He doesn't hide in trees and constantly get duped by little kids.

Even in horror movies, you're played by a guy who also portrayed "Willow" and "Wicket" from Star Wars. That's your big guns, huh? Real scary.

Listen. There's a lot of good things about leprechauns. I love the Celtics and I'm a little bit Scottish so I appreciate what you've done for my people. But I need to bring this tough love because you're making a fool of yourself. You hoard gold. What are you, a dragon? Nobody uses gold anymore. The only time you hear about it is on infomercials at 3am where they tell you to buy it for some reason. It's wedged right between the Russian Miracle Spring Water and the Sham Wow Guy. The fucking Sham Wow Guy.

It's time to wake up, leprechaun. Get a savings account. Put some damn jeans on. Stop frolicking. I'm not telling you to be just like everybody else. Express yourself! But dammit, you look like The Riddler's dad.

Now gimme your gold.

Mike Brody