Saturday, April 3, 2010

Toby Keith is a space alien


UFOs exist. It's 100% positive.

"UFO" stands for unidentified flying object. That means anything can be a UFO if nobody can identify it. If Estonia could fly, it would be a UFO to 99% of America. (Keep reaching for the skies Estonia, I believe in you. Don't let anybody doubt you just because you used to be a part of Canada.)

The argument people really have is whether or not aliens from another galaxy exist. And have they visited our planet? I heard a guy once say "There's no way alien space-ships have been to Earth because the amount of fuel it would take is astronomical." They don't drive Ford Focuses, dummy. Do you think they use ethanol or E85? But if they did have Space-Focuses, that would explain the crop-circles. They're oil leaks.

If extraterrestrial aliens exist, they'd be nothing like us. They wouldn't have days like us because (presumably) they'd have a different sun or suns. They wouldn't take their goobles (that's what I call baby aliens) to soccer practice. Maybe they're the size of fleas? Maybe we're the size of fleas to them? Maybe they eat through their butt? Maybe they don't have butts? All they want are butts!

The point is, we can never really know one way or another. We're still a really stupid creature, us humans. We don't even know about the bottom of the sea, so how can we know about the furthest reaches of the universe?

I personally think that Toby Keith is a space alien. Just look at him. Something's wrong.


One of his eyes is bigger than the other. His nose is deflated. And he's either coming out of the clouds or the mud, but either way it ain't natural. What are you hiding, Toby Keith? What are you hiding?! What in the name of Kodiak does he want? Well, I'll tell you. I deciphered an anagram of "Toby Keith" and it spells out "Be oh kitty". B.O. kitty. It also spells "Hi Betty OK."

Toby Keith is here to tell us our cats smell and to say hi to Betty. So people of Earth, wash your felines! And make sure to be nice to Betty, or Toby Keith will put a space-boot in yer ass!

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