Friday, April 2, 2010
An Open Letter to Leprechauns
Leprechauns - It's time to modernize.
Everybody's laughing at you. It's 2010 and yet you insist on wearing a bright green top-hat (with a buckle - you have to have that buckle) with matching green coat and pantaloons and all that fruity stuff. Did you lose a bet? You look like a magical Amish person. And what's with the shillelagh? I hate to break it to you buddy, but it's just a stick. It's a stick! Just because you can dance on rainbows and turn people into toads doesn't mean that you get to call your stick something whimsical. Stop it! No, never mind...keep it up. Because I'm going to start calling all my ordinary things something outlandish. I'm not drinking out of a coffee mug, it's a Boot-boot-wibble. There! Stupid, isn't it? You're a jerk!
And you know what, Lucky? If I want your Lucky Charms I can just go to the store and buy it. You can get it at the most ghetto-ass gas-station, so don't act like you're all fancy. And honestly, I'm more of a Cap'n Crunch man. When I was in 4th grade, I won $100 in one of his boxes of cereal. I used it to buy a basketball, a Risk board-game, a Bell Biv Devoe tape and I spent the rest on Twix bars. Now that's magical. And yeah, the Cap'n is a little stuck in the past too stylistically. But he's a goddamn captain and a generous man. He doesn't hide in trees and constantly get duped by little kids.
Even in horror movies, you're played by a guy who also portrayed "Willow" and "Wicket" from Star Wars. That's your big guns, huh? Real scary.
Listen. There's a lot of good things about leprechauns. I love the Celtics and I'm a little bit Scottish so I appreciate what you've done for my people. But I need to bring this tough love because you're making a fool of yourself. You hoard gold. What are you, a dragon? Nobody uses gold anymore. The only time you hear about it is on infomercials at 3am where they tell you to buy it for some reason. It's wedged right between the Russian Miracle Spring Water and the Sham Wow Guy. The fucking Sham Wow Guy.
It's time to wake up, leprechaun. Get a savings account. Put some damn jeans on. Stop frolicking. I'm not telling you to be just like everybody else. Express yourself! But dammit, you look like The Riddler's dad.
Now gimme your gold.