Friday, April 9, 2010

The Three Scariest Movies

Here is my list of the three scariest movies ever made (in my humble opinion).

1) The Exorcist -

Maybe this movie isn't scary to people who saw it as an adult, but I first saw this movie in seventh grade and I didn't sleep without the covers over my head for a year. Eeek, the voices. The voices! The scariest things are the ones you don't see. And throughout this movie you never see the actual demon, just the girl it possesses. It leaves your imagination alone to go wild and it's infinitely freakier than a CGI monster or a dude in a suit. Also, they made a new re-edited version about ten years ago. The movie is basically the same, but with a few minor changes. When I saw the new one for the first time, it seemed just like the original...except BLAMMO out of the blue suddenly there's a crazy spider girl that runs down the stairs on all fours upside down! UPSIDE DOWN!!! Holy balls! Why did they leave that out of the original? It's easily the most startling thing I've seen in a horror movie. Although, I just re-watched the clip on Youtube and I have a slight problem with the actress who plays the mother's acting. Her daughter just spider-walked upside down a staircase with blood dripping out of her mouth and she lethargically says "oh my god" as if she forgot to pay the electric bill. I think if I were that mother, my reaction would be 1) "OHHH MYYY SWEETTTT GODDD IN HEAVEN MY DAUGHTER IS A FREAKK CONTORTIONIST DEMON CHILD!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" 2) Then I would crap my pants 3) Then I would scream "I JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS!" 4) Then I would play dead. 5) Then I would check to make sure she wasn't eating me 6) Then I would crap my pants again and scream some more.

Not: "Oh my god. Yawn. This is highly irregular that my child is acting this way. I should put her in a time out. Is the Brady Bunch a re-run this week?"

2) The Blair Witch Project

I know I'll take some flak for this, but this movie really flipped me out. I saw it in a local old-timey theater in Iowa City in 1999 before all the hype hit. I wasn't stupid enough to think it was real, but still it felt real enough to shake me up. Once again, it's the things you don't see. This movie was masterful at that, with just a bare-bones budget. I love Chris Rock's joke about this movie: "The Blair Witch Project cost $60,000 to make. Somebody's walking around with $59,000 in their pocket right now!"

If I were those kids lost in the woods, I wouldn't have died off so easily though. My solution would be easy. Screw Smokey the Bear. I'm burning the whole damn forest down. Either one of two things happen: 1) The firefighters see it and come rescue you. 2) You burn to death. Either one is better than getting your soul eaten by a dastardly witch! She took the guy's tongue! And there was a lot of standing in corners! That's no fun. If I'm gonna get killed by a witch, I don't want to stand around and wait like it's a paranormal DMV. I'm not taking a ticket to end up trapped in a house for eternity. I'm just saying. Screw Greenpeace. I'm burning the forest down. Does Greenpeace do forests? I usually just associate them with whales. If there were a whale in the forest too, I'd Chinese water torture it until Susan Sarandon came swinging on a vine to save the day. Can whales be tortured with water? Maybe I'd just tickle it. Everybody wins that way.

3) Larry The Cable Guy - Health Inspector

I still have nightmares to this day.


  1. 1 and 3 I totally get... and I love your re-edited version of the mother's reaction in the Exorcist... maybe you should re-write the whole move... YEAH!... Thats the Ticket! I'd pay to see that! LOL!

    Love ya man!

    - Brian

  2. Mike,
    The Exorcist scared the crap out of me too! The Blair Witch Project never did it for me. When I was a kid, I think the scariest movie was "Christene". In short; Kid buys junker car. Kid fixes junker car. Kid's girlfriend becomes jealous of car. Car kills kid's friends and non-believers. Car hates kid's girlfriend. Car gets vandalized. Car fixes itself. Car wants revenge. Car gets destroyed (killed) by forklift. Or did it?? Man... that show had me running from parked cars for the next five years!