Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Winchester Mystery House


I think there's a kind of crazy that only rich people can achieve.

Case in point: Sarah Winchester. Sarah was the widow and heiress of William Wirt Winchester, of Winchester Rifles fame. Long story short, Sarah's husband and small child die. Sarah consults a psychic. Said psychic tells Sarah her and her family are cursed. Because of the pain and death that the Winchester Rifles have caused, she must continue building her house or she'll die too (presumably at the hands of the spirits who died from the rifles). So Sarah did what any normal, everyday person would do: She used her massive wealth and inheritance to fund construction non-stop on her mansion from 1884 to her death in 1922. Among other things, there are 10,000 windowpanes, stairways that lead to nothing and 47 chimneys. Right? That's normal.

The thing that I don't get is, how does construction keep ghosts away? Are ghosts afraid of unions? Do the construction workers' taunts keep the spirits away? "Lookin' good Ghostie! Woo hoo!" I read that she thought they'd get lost in the stairways, but really? Really? How stupid are ghosts? They've pierced the veil of immortality but can't figure out the steps? Maybe they should think this through. "Gee, I've come back to earth to extract revenge and now I'm stuck in a hallway that shrinks into nothing. Maybe my skills of deduction aren't as keen as I'd hoped. Well, back to Detroit." (Detroit is the site of Purgatory in my head. Wanna argue about it? It's got abandoned skyscrapers.)

This all made me think. If, by this logic, ghosts can get lost, then that must mean they are susceptible to physical things. So if I were Mrs. Winchester, I'd have quit being passive and built some quicksand pits. Eh? I came here to do two things: Kick some ghost-ass and chew bubble gum. And bubble gum hasn't been invented yet. (Yes, I took a quote from "They Live" and modified it to fit the early 1900's. Deal with it!) Time to stop whining like a typical rifle heiress and start taking names, Home Alone style. Oh, don't follow me up to this stairway, ghost...I don't know if it's a dead-end! BAM! Paint can to the ghost-head! Hey spooky, it's dark in here, you should pull on that light bulb string...OHHH, an iron to the kisser! And then we'd meet a scary old person who ends up having a heart of gold.

Problem solved.

Or spend $80 million on elevators. Whatever.

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