Friday, February 4, 2011

Kindergarten Ruined My Life/Marriage Pizza

Remember how in kindergarten they split the grade up between morning classes and afternoon classes?  One group of kids went to school in the morning and then went home and then another group of kids came in during the afternoon and finished off the day.

I blame my entire slacker existence on the fact that I was an afternoon student.  What does this teach you?  "Oh, it's okay kids.  You can sleep in until noon.  Give up on success right now!"  All the afternoon kids were haggard from staying up late and over-sensitized from watching The Price Is Right.  Meanwhile all the morning students became NASA scientists and Nobel Prize winners.  All because of the toss of the dice. 

I was an afternoon student.  I am currently sitting in a Red Roof Inn in Lansing, MI, after doing a comedy show for 20 people in a room that looks like an old roller-skating rink.  Screw you, afternoon classes!  I coulda been a contender! 

Morning classes
Afternoon classes

Happy kindergarten picture from:
Scary kindergarten picture from:


On a brighter note: 

I really love being married.  It's the best thing to ever happen to me and I'm enjoying every minute of it.  The problem is that there's a lot of people that are just dying to squash your happiness, especially when it's new like mine. 

"Are you married?"  

"Why yes, I just got married four months ago!" 

"Oh.  SORRY.  I was married before.  I got divorced." 

Oh, well, I'm sure it had nothing to do with your glimmering attitude there, Tony Robbins. 

It's like I had a piece of pizza and then had this exchange:

"I really love this pizza!" 

"I had a pizza once.  I dropped it.  And someday you'll drop yours too!"  *ominous finger point*    

Well, no.  I've got it right here.  Totally holding onto my pizza.  See, here it is.  I'm sorry that mine's made out of sunshine and kickass and yours was apparently black tar and skunks.  But I guess an inability to accept happiness in others is something you were never really good at.  Now if you'd excuse me, I have an episode of Fraggle Rock to watch with my wife.

Unrelated but awesome pizza

 Pizza photo from:

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