Monday, August 20, 2012

Baby, Can I Change My Mind? - The Top Ten Ways That Dwight Howard Can Make Himself Even More Unlikeable

It takes a special kind of talent to make LeBron James seem like a good guy.  But that’s exactly what NBA superstar center and serial douchebag Dwight Howard has done this past year.  The former Orlando Magic center and newly minted Los Angeles Lakers star kept his former team, it’s fans and the league hostage for months on end as he issued multiple (and different) trade demands, then unexpectedly signed a one-year extension with the Magic boasting that he was “loyal”, followed by a behind the scenes ultimatum saying he’d only stay long-term if both Magic GM Otis Smith and head coach Stan Van Gundy were fired (which they were), only to change his mind afterward and demand a trade once again, claiming that he was somehow blackmailed.  In the process, several teams deconstructed their line-up in the hopes of signing or trading for the “Dwightmare”, leaving them in shambles instead.  Finally, the Magic called “Uncle” and traded him to the Lakers for peanuts, rewarding one of the most arrogant and baffling primadonna tantrums in basketball history by landing him on arguably the most storied team in the NBA, which is also reviled by much of the league itself.

The only explanation for this behavior is that Dwight Howard is actually trying to be hated.  He’s never gotten as much attention as he has as the foil. Either that, or he’s a moron.  But morons don’t play professional sports, right?!  There’s only one problem: Los Angeles loves it’s Lakers.  If he’s not careful, his anti-hero marketing scheme will be totally screwed.  How’s a bitch supposed to remain Basketball Public Enemy #1 in the bright, glamorous and adoring lights of LA?  Luckily, I’ve thought of ten sure-fire ways that Dwight Howard can remain despised even in the City of Angels:

10) Invite Jack Nicholson out for drinks.  When he passes out, bring Spike Lee in to shave his eyebrows and post the photo on Instagram.

9) Destroy all IN-N-OUT Burger joints in town and replace them with MO-B-DICK Burgers, the world’s first whale burger chain.

8) Refuse to wear shoes on the court unless they replace Steve Nash with Flava Flav.

7) Buy a whole section of seats in the lower section of the Staples Center and give them away free to fans under the condition that they join Church Of Scientology.

6) Declare that the greatest Laker of all time is Larry Bird.  

5) Befriend Mel Gibson and claim him as a “spiritual adviser and messenger of hope.”

4) Go to children’s hospitals to sign autographs.  Announce that his new signature is a full-throttle headbutt.

3) Demand to be traded to the movie Avatar.

2) “Screw it, send me back to the Magic.”

1)  Just be himself.

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