The Awkward Life of Mike Brody

Zan's monster magnets!

2011-11-28T16:18:00.007-06:00

My wife Zan made these magnets. The zebra ones are sold-out, but the monster ones are on sale on the link below:

http://mikebrodyshirts.bigcartel.com/product/monster-magnets-by-zan

Monster magnets! Made by my wife, Zan. $3 a piece. They come in multiple colors. LIMITED QUANTITIES!!!!

Zan is working full-time and going to school full-time and culminating her ceramics practice, but now she's freed up--so she will be putting up a blog/store of magnets, cards, artwork (prints, paintings), sculpture, furniture and new shirts and other randomness starting sometime in January.

Youtube video: I prank a late-arriving bachelorette party in Louisville

2011-08-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

Off the Mike

2011-08-21T01:31:00.003-05:00

This is a really fun interview that my buddy and fellow comedian Mike Bobbitt did with me. I like how it turned out and I'm really humbled by all the nice things Mike said. I can honestly say that he's even nicer and cooler than all the things he said about me. Click here to read the interview.

Here's a cartoon of Mike Bobbitt:

Music Blog # 4: Top 10 Favorite Indie Releases from 2010

2011-03-19T16:27:00.006-05:00

I'm going to try and do this as fast as I can. First off, I realize that it's halfway through March of 2011 already. But I'm a slacker and better late than never. Secondly, what is "indie rock"? I think it's a misused term. I'm going to just simplify it and say that each band I'm listing is an indie rock band because they play rock music and they're on an independent label. That's what the term originally meant and that's how I still take it. So, by that definition, bands that are frequently called "indie rock" like Iron & Wine, Death Cab For Cutie and Modest Mouse are not even remotely indie rock. They are big-selling, mainstream rock. And for the record I like those bands quite a bit. I'm 33 years old and don't really care if my musical taste is hip or not. I like some popular stuff and I like crazy underground punk rock too. So whatever, enough posturing. These are my ten favorite indie releases of 2010. Some of the sites that help me regularly discover bands like these are Maximum Rocknroll, Styrofoam Drone, icoulddietomorrow and many more. Starting with a quick honorable mention:

Honorable Mention:
Gentlemen Jesse & His Men - "You've Got The Wrong Man 7"" (Couldn't find a link to a song from that 7", so here's something from their 2008 LP. Awesome power-pop.)
Doomstar! - "Rainbow Bloodsucker" EP (This EP is worth it just for the title track alone!)
Mind Spiders - Self-titled EP (Surfy, punky power pop from members of Marked Men.)
Unwed Teenage Mothers - "Blonde Girls" LP (It's too tricky to google this band and still avoid getting Bristol Palin or soft-porn. But they sound like a wimpy (in a good way) punk band on pixie sticks.)
Drugs Dragons - Self-titled LP (These guys have channeled the spirit and debauchery of early Butthole Surfers. I like.)

10) BAD BANANA - "Crushfield" LP

Two sisters from P.S. Eliot come together to make the catchiest damn album/demo I've heard in a while. It's kinda poppy, kinda punky. They name-drop the Descendents and Dinosaur Jr. so that's all I needed to hear. This one never ceases to put me in a good mood. I'm also pretty sure that this is being offered as a free download, so do some google searchin'!

9) IMPERIAL CHINA - "Phosphenes" LP

I continually struggle to classify Imperial China. That's probably a good thing. They are from DC, so there's the Dischord Records influence in there. If I had to make a really, really bad comparison I'd say it's like if Fugazi were a dance band. I'm sure Imperial China would fucking hate that analogy but that's all I got. It's a hell of an album though.

Find more artists like Imperial China at Myspace Music

8) FREE ENERGY - "Stuck On Nothing" LP

I first heard about these guys when they lived in Minneapolis and were called Hockey Night. They were one of my favorite bands. They sounded just like Pavement meets Thin Lizzy and I couldn't get enough of them. Then they kicked out a few members, moved to Philadelphia, renamed themselves "Free Energy"and now sound like Weezer meets Thin Lizzy. And it's as good as ever. Also, I'd just like to state that if I didn't already know how great this band was, I would never, ever have listened to them after seeing this picture. Embarrassing. Gross. Let's all just move on from this ironic 80's bullshit, please? Anyway, sonically the band is a monster.

7) THE INTELLIGENCE - "Males" LP

Like early B-52's mixed with Eric Stoltz. That'll probably only make sense to me.

6) COWLICK - "Wires" LP

Am I incorrect in thinking this sounds like 90's era Sonic Youth? Am I incorrect to think that's awesome? Nope on both counts.

5) SHELLSHAG - "Rumors In Disguise" LP

Either I'm getting old and really miss the 90's, or a lot of bands are starting to sound like that decade. Either way, I love it. These guys sound like they could have played alongside Archers of Loaf back in the day.

4) EDDY CURRENT SUPPRESSION RING - "Rush To Relax" LP

Whenever a band is from Australia it always impresses me. I don't know why. They have cars and buildings and air. Why wouldn't they have music? I guess my ignorant head only envisioned Christian Bale and kangeroos and Christian Bale yelling at kangeroos. Anyway, this is some nice post-punk that gets better and better each time you listen to it. I actually didn't like it the first time I heard it, but people swore by it so much that I kept listening and now I'm hooked.

3) WEED HOUNDS -"Beach Bummed" 7"

It's only a 7" but it's catchy as all hell and I predict (rather safely) that this band is going to get real big, real fast whenever their first LP comes out. There's an undeniable Pixies quality to them and I ain't hatin' it. I wish they had a less lame name, but what can you do?

2) PURLING HISS - "Hissteria" and "Public Service Announcement" LPs

Boom! TWO releases in 2010. I can't pick between the two. This is one of my newest favorite bands. The recording is such absolute shit that it has to be on purpose. Regardless, it's grungy classic-rock that can be catchy or hypnotic or whatever they feel like doing at the time. Here's two clips of the same song. One is off the record with the bad recording and the other is live with a slightly less bad recording. Both are great in their own way.

1) SUPERCHUNK - "Majesty Shredding" LP

Does this count as an indie? Merge is an independent label, but it's distributed by a company that has major label ties. Also, the Arcade Fire is on the same label so it's definitely not a small one. But then again, it's owned by the people from Superchunk, so that might give it the indie nod. Screw it, who cares? This is the best album of 2010 regardless of the genre. They're living legends and they're one of the few bands that can take so much time off (their last record was in 2001) and still kick your ass all over the place. (The other two who pulled it off were Mission Of Burma and Dinosaur Jr.). Long live Superchunk!

New comedy clip

2011-03-10T17:38:00.001-06:00

Here's a clip of me performing last Monday.

And just for the hell of it, here's one from a year ago.

Music Blog #3 - My Favorite Punk Rock Releases of 2010

2011-03-04T13:39:00.004-06:00

And now, my favorite punk rock releases of 2010. In reverse order, with honorable mention first:

HONORABLE MENTION:

THE ESTRANGED - The Subliminal Man (Post-punk, gothy catchiness)
LOW THREAT PROFILE - Product #2 (Music was recorded in 2000, vocals in 2010. Fast, hardcore. 15 songs in 10 minutes fast.)
MARKED MEN - On/The Other Side 7" (These guys are the best pop-punk band of the 2000s, if you ask me. It's recommended to own everything by these guys.)
NEON PISS - demo (Melodic punk. These guys are future stars.)
OFF! - "The First Four EPs" (Keith Morris from Black Flag, Circle Jerks, etc. It sounds how you think it would. And that's good.)
NIGHT BIRDS - demo, "Killer Waves", "Midnight Movies Tape", "s/t" (No album, just a demo and a bunch of 7"s. Surfy, edgy pop punk. This has the energy of 80's punk to me.)
YOUNG OFFENDERS - "Leader of the Followers" LP (This is only on the H.M. list and not the Top Ten because I just got it and have only listened once. I'm not even sure what type of sub-genre this fits in. The video from their link is not from the LP but the video is so damn good. This is going to get listened to a lot!)

THE TOP TEN

10) KREIGSHOG - "War For Peace" LP

Whoa! Japanese hardcore! This is what I listen to when I'm on the road doing stand-up comedy and I'm in a town that I don't want to be in, surrounded by people I don't identify with. This is pure ugliness. I try to be a positive person, but sometimes we all need a release. This release is unrelenting and without a shred of melody. Just aggression, noise and feedback. That'll do, pig.

9) NU SENSAE - "TV, Death & The Devil" LP

On paper, it should be easy to describe this band. There's two members - a guy and a girl. The guy plays drums and the girl sings and plays bass. Pretty simple. And yet, sometimes the most minimalist seeming are the most dynamic. Every time I listen to this album, I still get surprised. I forget about a time change or that she's going to be changing her vocal delivery from Kim Gordon to L7 in t-minus two seconds. I love the 80s/90s grunge influence that is happening in punk lately. And I don't mean Candlebox. This album's badass.

8) CRAZY SPIRIT - "Burning Churches" EP

I'm going to be honest, there is a lot of hype around this band and I just didn't get it at first. People compared the singer to Germs legend Darby Crash and acted like they were the second coming of the Sex Pistols. But they just sounded like a crusty punk band from NYC to me. Nothing new. I grew up on punk, but I never gravitated towards the mohawked side of it. Plus, I already had my designated ugly album with Kriegshog. I like extra dark albums in doses, but not all the time. And that's how I felt about it until one day when I realized that he didn't sound like Darby Crash at all. He sounded like somebody else and I just couldn't put my finger on it. Who is it? Oh, it was on the tip of my tongue. Holy crap, he sounds like POPEYE!!! That's right, Popeye. Give it a listen. It's true! Now I don't think of the album as dark and ugly at all. It's just some post-spinach ass-whooping from our favorite sailor cartoon. And that's all it took to be on rapid rotation in my place. Well, blow me down.

7) MILK MUSIC - "Beyond Living" EP

Remember when I mentioned a tinge of grunge creeping into punk music? This is another example of that. These guys clearly listened to a lot of mid/late-80s SST records like Dinosaur Jr and Sonic Youth. I love the energy in the singer's voice. I can't wait to see what these guys do with a full-length. The song posted below is my favorite from the release. There's a slight Superchunk hookiness to it as well.

6) PERSONAL & THE PIZZAS - "Raw Pie" LP

This band is ridiculous. Look and dress like NY/NJ versions of Lenny and Squiggy. They sound exactly like The Ramones or The Stooges, depending on the song. Oh, and a majority of their songs are about pizza. I honestly thought I was only going to listen to this once in my entire life and I find myself longing for it every day. It's so damn catchy. They even blatantly rip off hooks with no pretense and I still don't care. Check out their "I Want You" 7" as well, it may even be better. Here's one of their Stooges songs:

5) ADD/C - "Busy Days" LP

There's an interesting story behind me and this band.

Also, this band is so punk rock that I couldn't even find any videos of them. There's samples of their music on their Myspace page (linked on their name above.)

4) Ex Humans - Self-titled LP

Hot damn, I love garage rock! If I didn't have a Ford Focus, this would surely result in about 100 speeding tickets. Sure, stuff like this isn't reinventing the wheel or anything, but neither is pizza. And I sure love pizza every time. (See pick #6). Every one of these songs is a ripper and gets my blood pumping. The perfect morning music. Who needs coffee? Just blast this.

3) MUTOID MEN - "Mutoid Void" LP

whoas" and they have a Moog keyboard that pipes in whenever it damn well feels like it. Oh and the bass player was in JAWBREAKER. See what I mean? This is a dark horse favorite of 2010.

2) WHITE LUNG - "It's The Evil" LP

These guys take the energy of 80's punk like The Dead Kennedys and mix it with the complexity and innovation of 90's Dischord Records. I can't say enough about this album. I am a sucker for girl vocals that, for lack of a better term, have balls. White Lung has that in spades. AND they have a music video! That's very impressive after sifting through this list of bands with Lastfm accounts for webpages.

1) MASSHYSTERI - Self-titled LP

And from Sweden, my #1 favorite punk album of 2010: Masshysteri's self-titled album. This is actually their second LP. The first was a little less poppy and more hardcore (and still highly recommended). Some people didn't like the change but I'm all for it. I love the post-punk vibe. Really, what does it for me is the infectiously melodic guitar leads that remind me of early Cure records on speed. All their lyrics are in Swede-talk and have crazy umlauts and other things I can't type on this computer. Like I said, they've gone more melodic since their first, but it's not watered down. I'm a sucker for hooks and this one is chock-full of them. Can't recommend it enough.

So those are my favorite punk albums of 2010. I used many resources throughout the year to keep up with the new music, like Maximum RocknRoll, Icoulddietomorrow and Styrofoam Drone (although they lean more toward indie rock.) Stay tuned for my favorite indie rock albums of 2010 next.

For Those About To Mock

2011-03-03T14:39:00.007-06:00


ADD/C and their line of fan.

I recently got into a fight on Facebook with an AC/DC tribute band.

This is how I spend my time these days. It's not one of my prouder moments.

Let me break it down for you just in case you don't know the difference between a cover band and a tribute band: A cover band plays cover songs from various musicians. A tribute band plays covers of one specific band and dresses up like them. Regularly. It's like Halloween every day with these guys. It's just like seeing the real band but without all that annoying talent or originality or fans.

So here's how it went down. The AC/DC tribute band in question is called ADD/C. Get it? But see, I'm a fan of a punk band who is also named ADD/C. They write their own music and dress up like themselves. What a concept! So I looked for them on Facebook and found them. Or so I thought. I clicked "like" and then realized that these clowns were dressed up like Bon Scott and Angus Young. So I wrote on their wall "Oh, you're not ADD/C the punk band. You're a tribute band. Meh." It was a little rude, but I can be a bit of a dick sometimes and I wanted just a sliver of my disappointment to shine through.

Here's how they responded, along with the ensuing exchange:

ADD/C: Any tiny amount of education in a person would let them figure out that this is a TRIBUTE band called ADD/C!!! Does this punk band have a website and professional style recordings? No. WE DO! And if you don't like our music, you can get lost!

ME: Well, it's a good thing for all of us that you're a tribute band and don't HAVE any of your own music, huh? So blow me.

ADD/C: The only blowing will be of your head off!

(Note: I could not make that line up. 100% real. I'm pretty sure that wasn't proper English. Such Neanderthalian beauty! See, I can butcher the language too.)

ADD/C: (continuing) We travel more in a month than you have in your whole life! We've played Vegas! Have you played Vegas? We played VEGAS!

ME: Who'd you open for in Vegas, Midget KISS?

At this point my wife walks by the computer and goes "Who're you talking to?" and I blurted out "NO ONE!"

It's funny how quickly shame and realization can set in. And yet still it doesn't sink in deep enough that I'm not plotting more revenge. I need to start an 80's tribute band that combines a metal band and a disease and blow these schmucks out of the water. I'm thinking Guns 'N Restless Leg Syndrome or Damn Yellow Fever (I get to be The Noog!) or Motley Cryptorchidism. (Cryptorchidism means you have an "undescended testicle". METAL!)

In the meantime, please check out the real band "ADD/C" from Chattanooga, TN. They play catchy, fast, kickass punk rock and their brand new album "Busy Days" is on heavy rotation at my place.

And you know what? Just because I used their picture and maybe you're bored...check out the AC/DC tribute band as well.

It's Called Pay It "FORWARD"

2011-02-14T13:25:00.008-06:00

Recently I spent some time in a coffee-house drive-thru. See, I quit drinking coffee a while back, but still "indulge" in green tea frequently for the 0.000001% of caffeine that resides in a leaf. Even though that amount of caffeine surely does nothing to me, it's the possibility and the principle that gets me excited. It's like a new Prince album - I should know better. (Seriously, Prince, either start singing about weird stuff again like humping ostriches or just stop. No one wants to hear about Jehovah's Witnesses in a funk song.)

So on this particular day, I had this exchange with the "barista" or "teenage window kid":

BARISTA WINDOW KID: Your drink is free of charge today. The person in front of you paid your tab.

ME: Really? Why?

BARISTA WINDOW KID: It's just a thing people do sometimes. One person will pay someone behind them's tab and then the next person will do it for the person behind them and it just becomes a thing.

ME: Oh. Okay. Well how much is the guy's tab behind me?

BARISTA WINDOW KID: $22

ME: STREAK BROKEN! *screeches away*

WTF? How many frapaccinos do you need? You got greedy man. YOU GOT GREEDY!!!

One Little Snake, One Major Difference

2011-02-05T15:08:00.018-06:00

Everybody should recognize these snakes. This is an ancient Greek symbol that thousands of hospitals across the globe use as their logo and beacon of hope. Originally said to be carried by Asclepius, son of Apollo and Greek god of Medicine, it's supposed to make you feel as though you're in the good, caring hands of professionals. "Safe haven, weary spirits. Enter these doors and you shall be healed".

There's just one problem: That's not Asclepius' staff. It's a common mistake that many hospitals make. This is Asclepius' staff:

Big deal, you say. So there's one snake instead of two. Close enough. I see what you're saying there, except that the staff with one snake represents healing and medicine and the other is what Hermes carried while transporting dead souls to Hell.

OOPSY! Don't go to that hospital, they don't pay attention to detail!

"Scapel. Wait, this a toaster. Ah, close enough."

I've been a mythology nerd since I was a little kid. People say there's no use for mythology in real life and that I'm wasting my time reading about it. Not useful?! I can think of one use: Not dying! Holy crap, which one would you rather see while getting gurneyed to your heart transplant?

"Sonny, why are you putting gold coins on my eyes?"

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If there are any mythology dorks that want to explain to me that I'm wrong about this (yes, I know that Hell and Hades are two different places), please send me an email to shutupvirgin@moveoutofyourmomshouse.net. BOOM! Nerd on nerd aggression!)

Ascelpius staff from: http://sunny.moorparkcollege.edu/~dredd/home.html
Hermes staff from: http://suboxonetalkzone.com/2011/01/10/do-you-prescribe-buprenorphine/caduceus/

Kindergarten Ruined My Life/Marriage Pizza

2011-02-04T17:19:00.038-06:00

Remember how in kindergarten they split the grade up between morning classes and afternoon classes? One group of kids went to school in the morning and then went home and then another group of kids came in during the afternoon and finished off the day.

I blame my entire slacker existence on the fact that I was an afternoon student. What does this teach you? "Oh, it's okay kids. You can sleep in until noon. Give up on success right now!" All the afternoon kids were haggard from staying up late and over-sensitized from watching The Price Is Right. Meanwhile all the morning students became NASA scientists and Nobel Prize winners. All because of the toss of the dice.

I was an afternoon student. I am currently sitting in a Red Roof Inn in Lansing, MI, after doing a comedy show for 20 people in a room that looks like an old roller-skating rink. Screw you, afternoon classes! I coulda been a contender!


Morning classes


Afternoon classes

Happy kindergarten picture from: http://www.prlog.org/10865388-claudio-cerullos-isabella-goes-to-kindergarten-book.html
Scary kindergarten picture from: http://thestateofmiami.com/tag/in-the-ghetto/

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On a brighter note:

I really love being married. It's the best thing to ever happen to me and I'm enjoying every minute of it. The problem is that there's a lot of people that are just dying to squash your happiness, especially when it's new like mine.

"Are you married?"

"Why yes, I just got married four months ago!"

"Oh. SORRY. I was married before. I got divorced."

Oh, well, I'm sure it had nothing to do with your glimmering attitude there, Tony Robbins.

It's like I had a piece of pizza and then had this exchange:

"I really love this pizza!"

"I had a pizza once. I dropped it. And someday you'll drop yours too!" *ominous finger point*

Well, no. I've got it right here. Totally holding onto my pizza. See, here it is. I'm sorry that mine's made out of sunshine and kickass and yours was apparently black tar and skunks. But I guess an inability to accept happiness in others is something you were never really good at. Now if you'd excuse me, I have an episode of Fraggle Rock to watch with my wife.


Unrelated but awesome pizza

Pizza photo from: http://www.geekologie.com/2007/12/awesome_pizza_features_jedi_ma.php

Music Blog #2 - Hair "Metal"

2011-02-01T11:16:00.072-06:00

Normally I'm against labeling music. Well, to a degree, at least. I think that labels are necessary on a rudimentary level. I love punk rock. It has to have a name, otherwise I'd have to say "I love the music where the guys with the spikes go 'arghhh' with the bopping and booping." And that would make me sound like Bill Cosby. No good!

My problem is with the micro-managing of genres. It is rampant in the age of the internet. I started reading about some kind of music called "dream pop", which lead me to an article on Wikipedia about "shoegaze", which then lead me to "space rock". If you let yourself get sucked in, you'll follow a never-ending rabbit hole of ridiculous names for music. "Cybergrind", "powerviolence", "twee pop" and "donk" (otherwise known as "bouncy house"). These are all real genres and it seems to be super hip to come up with the most confusing variations. If someone were to dangle me over the Grand Canyon and say "Explain the difference between 'thrashcore', 'crossover thrash' and 'bandana thrash' or you're dead" then I guess I'm going out Wile E. Coyote style. "One's the thrashiest? Noooooooooooooooooooo!" *SPLAT*

Which leads me to the dumbest and most inaccurate genre label of them all: "Hair metal." Warrant, Poison, Bon Jovi. These bands are not heavy metal. What's metal about poofy hair and blush? Metal is supposed to be scary and it's supposed to be gross. You're supposed to wonder if they're satanic, not if they're your baby sitter. No sir, hair bands don't get to be called metal anymore. From now on, they will be called "emo". Think about it, it's really what they've been all along. It's the exact same people, just 25 years removed. They both wear make-up, have horrible hair and sing schmaltzy high-school grade lyrics. What's the difference? One shopped at Claire's and one at Hot Topic.

1986 - Poison


Today - Davey Havok from AFI

I feel like there still might be some resistance to my "hair bands are not metal" statement. So allow me to hammer home the point in pictures:

This is a metal band:

Immortal - www.immortalofficial.com

This is your sister:

Unknown band

These people will eat your liver:

Celtic Frost - www.celticfrost.com

This man will teach you Tae Bo:

Unknown band

This is a human skull:

Satyricon - www.satyricon.no

This is a fire extinguisher:

Unknown band

Here's the final say in whether or not a band is metal: Would you take them to fight an orc? Black Sabbath? Yes. Iron Maiden? Yes. Motorhead? Lemmy actually is an orc, so absolutely. Motley Crue would hide and feather their hair. Cinderella would suffocate on their own spandex. Stryper might convince the orc they're bees for a second and then he'd eat them. So stop calling yourself "metal", hair bands. Metal bands are Lord of the Rings. You're Legally Blonde.

Music Blog #1 - Meet The Beatles, Already

2011-01-28T17:51:00.154-06:00

I ignored the Beatles for 32 years of my life.

Okay, that's impossible. I tried to ignore The Beatles for 32 years of my life. You can't be a human being with a pulse and not be inundated with "Hey Jude" and "I Want To Hold Your Hand" your entire life. I even know a person who's convinced that the Beatles' music is part of a world-wide mind-control conspiracy full of subliminal messages and symbols. It should also be noted that this person believes that seven-foot shape-shifting alien lizards drink the blood of babies so they can remain in human form and secretly rule the world. So...cuckoo. But that's another blog.

The reason I tried to ignore the Beatles for most of my life isn't because of any bullshit conspiracy theory. It's just good old rebellion. Everybody says they're the best band ever and that's that. My parents' generation treated them like Jesus (John was right) and as a child of the 90's I wasn't having that. No, I was going to listen to bands that really mattered. Bands from my generation that would last forever, like Screeching Weasel and Let's Go Bowling. Translation: I was stupid. Truth be told, I still love those bands but I later came to realize that I was judging the Beatles by their fans and not their music. It's not the Beatles' fault that my parents' generation held them up like idols and worshipped them as the infallible word of rock & roll. They were just making music. Timeless, genius music.

The other problem I had with the Beatles was their image. In my mind, they were almost always portrayed as the shaggy, goofy Fab Four or the hippy-dippy "Give Peace A Chance" Gandhi wannabes. Never mind that their image actually contained multiple eras that evolved in light speed each year or that "Give Peace a Chance" was actually a Plastic Ono Band record. I was misinformed.

Really, what turned it all around for me was when I realized that John Lennon was an asshole. Not just a regular asshole either but a dark, brooding, deranged, monumentally humongous asshole. If they made a Mt. Rushmore of assholes it would have Kanye West and three John Lennons. Usually someone being a jerk turns people off. Not me. I was delighted! I read an interview with Lennon where he talks smack about the Beatles, his fans, the world! I couldn't believe that this golden boy, this "spokesmen" for the 60's flower-power generation was actually flawed and even confused and depressed. It instantly humanized him for me. Then I read further and found out that Paul McCartney was a narcissistic dandy and George was literally "holier than thou." Ringo? Well, Ringo was just happy to be there. But I'm okay with him being that way. They needed an anchor. The grand slam home-run was when I read about the rejected album cover idea where they were holding headless baby dolls with raw meat strewn about. Okay, these weren't my mother's Beatles after all. They weren't superhuman gods from the musical Valhalla. They weren't Paul Bunyon or Mother Theresa or even the Fab Four. They were four dudes. And now I was ready to give them a listen.

Like most people in the world, I knew all their hits. I didn't want to get a "best of" just to hear the songs I'd heard since I was a child. One of my first memories is of hearing "Help!" on the radio and thinking that it was a song about being stuck in a tree. "Help me get my feet back on the ground." I was a very literal kid. I also thought that Toto's song "Africa" was about turning into a monster like the Incredible Hulk. "I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become." And when Gloria Estefan came on I thought the rhythm was gonna get me. Listen to that song, it growls! It terrified little-kid Mike Brody! RAWR! Also, if you ever see me dance, you'll know that the rhythm never did get me.

So I started at the end and picked up "Abbey Road". (Any true Beatles fan knows that "Let It Be" was released last but recorded second-to-last.) Then I grabbed "The White Album", "Sgt. Pepper", "With The Beatles" and all the classic albums. What I was immediately struck by was how much bands (of all decades) have aped the Beatles. Suddenly, bands that I thought were ripping off the New York Dolls were actually ripping off the Beatles. And after having this same experience with 10, 20, 30 songs, I quickly realized that I would be the hypocrite of all hypocrites if I still claimed to be neutral on this band. Half (hell, maybe ALL) of the music I grew up on is a direct result of this band. It's like saying I love airplanes, but those Wright Brothers sure were hacks! (Ahem, I would appreciate it if you'd please disregard any claims from other people saying that they invented the flying machine first. I'm working on an analogy here, people. Work with me!)

I'm 33-years-old now. It's been a year since my Beatles' quest began and they're now one of my favorite bands. Does that make me feel a little bit lame and generic? You bet your yellow submarine it does. To me it's like saying that I love sunny days and pizza. But guess what, Apple scruffs? Goddamn sunny days and pizza rule.

"What's the deal with the Peanuts?"

2011-01-24T14:29:00.026-06:00

Artwork by Tim O'Brien

Stand-up comedy is a widely misunderstood profession. People assume we're funny all the time and even worry that we'll be funny at inappropriate times. I've actually been warned not to crack jokes at a funeral before. I don't know what kind of whoopee-cushion jackass people think we are, but comedians do have souls you know. Well, not all of us.

The first time I realized that people had warped ideas of what comedians do and can do was back in the early 2000's. I was a brand-new, amateur comedian. I can't stress the word amateur enough. I was terrible. I thank my lucky stars every day that I started in Iowa. That way, none of my Minnesota contemporaries can look back and say "Remember that time you did your first show in your boxers?" or "Remember when you dressed up like Axl Rose and wore a long, blonde wig and a jock-strap with a potato in it and then threw it at the crowd?" Yes, both of those are true. Yes, I was drinking quite heavily at the time. Yes, I wake up every morning in shame. No, I will not do it again no matter how much you pay me.

I was living in Iowa City, IA, at the time and worked at a restaurant called "Carlos O'Kelly's" as a bartender. We had a regular named "Jimmy". He was a cool, old dude and a bit of a drunk (he was a regular, after all.) Every day Jimmy would barrage me with his hair-brained schemes of get-rich quick ideas. He wanted to invent an all-terrain electric wheelchair for elderly people so they could climb over rocks or travel through the desert. When I asked him what would happen if they flipped over climbing a boulder he said "That's what the roller-bars are for". He detailed all of this for me on the most elaborate and insane bar-napkin that ever existed.

One day Jimmy got wind that I had started doing stand-up comedy. Charles Schultz, creator of the iconic "Peanuts" comic strip had just passed away.

"I know what you should do!" Jimmy exclaimed after showing me his blue-print for a squirrel guillotine (squirrels were living in his rain gutter and he wanted to teach them a public lesson.) "Charles Schultz just died. You should write The Peanuts!"

Even as a brand new dumb comic I knew this was ridiculous. Sure Jimmy, I'll just bust into the Peanuts headquarters:

"Hey guys, your problems are solved! You know that guy who wrote the most popular comic strip of all time for 50 years and just passed away, shattering the hearts of fans across the globe? Well, I'm gonna do it now! Yeah, yeah, I've got some great ideas. Charlie Brown is gonna wear just his boxers and Lucy will dress up in a blonde wig and throw jock-strap potatoes at people! It's genius! Thank you, yes I will start today!"

I guess people just want to believe that every comic is Robin Williams and is constantly "on" and can do anything remotely humorous that is asked of them because they are a "comedian". That's fine. I can't really talk. I don't know what welders do all day, but I assume it's with a metal mask in their subterranean lair. Clearly I can't begrudge people their inaccuracies.

All I know is, ten years later I'm a much better stand-up comedian. And the Peanuts still haven't gotten back to me.

Back in '84 I Nearly Choked On A Unicorn

2011-01-18T23:30:00.035-06:00

Hardcore punk is a pretty humorless type of music. Don't get me wrong, I've been listening to hardcore and it's mother genre punk rock for literally half of my 32 years and I love it like a dear friend. It's just that it's usually pretty damn serious. Topics of hardcore that have been covered on a regular to semi-regular basis include unity, fighting, not fighting, friends, being drug free, doing more drugs than you can possibly handle, whoas, animal rights, more whoas, anarchy, Hare Krishna and breaking down walls. It's a wide enough range of topics, but nothing you'd want to bring up on a first date. I think the Incredible Hulk would have been a good hardcore singer. "Don't make me angry...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Hulk SMASH!" (Cue swirling circle mosh pit.)

The point of all this is that I was listening to the 2010 LP "Rohnert Park" from the San Francisco Bay Area hardcore band "Ceremony". It's a pretty kickass record. It manages to be super tough sounding and yet creative, literate and progressive, which is even more impressive considering it's in a genre that is more than happy to stagnate and rehash. But still, like most hardcore, it's pretty damn serious. At least, until about ten seconds into their song "Back in '84" when this line pops up: "Back in '84 I nearly choked on a unicorn." *Needle scratches off the record*

Excuse me?

My first react was confusion, as the remaining words in the minute-long song held no explanation or further reference to unicorns. And then I felt delight. And finally, my mind raced with a million and one logistical questions about how you actually choke on a unicorn. So much so that I actually sat down and wrote a letter to the band, which I will now type in it's entirety:

"Dear Ceremony,

Hi, my name is Mike Brody. I think your band is awesome. I think you are the best hardcore band in 10 years. Couple questions: Did the singer of your band nearly choke on a unicorn? And if so, how big is his mouth? How do you nearly choke on a unicorn? You would think it was all or none. Was he trying to eat the unicorn? Or did it fly into his mouth like a moth? Are there bite-sized unicorns? How come I've never heard of this happening since? Was there a unicorn epidemic in 1984? Did Henry Rollins kill the last unicorn in 1984 and make a pair of Umbros out of it? How often does your singer tell this story? Did it take him years of courage-building to be able to share or do people around him sigh and go "Oh god, this guy again with his unicorn story!"? Did the drummer or anyone else in the band attempt CPR to dislodge the unicorn or did he have to use a chair on himself? How come the "Unicorn Spike" hairdo was never a thing with punk rockers? Does your singer avoid unicorns now or has he remained fearless, much like that one-armed surfer girl who still surfs after the shark bit her arm off? Was your singer in a to-the-death battle with a unicorn or was he caught in an embarrassing unicorn snuggle turned ugly? Are there support groups for mythological creature accident survivors. 'Hi, my name is Ross...and...*whimper* back in '84 I nearly choked on a unicorn. It almost ruined my life! *sobs*' Cue the one-upping homeless vet: 'You think that's bad, you pussy? Back in 'Nam I nearly snorted a bigfoot. I still have yeti hair up my nose. YETI HAIR!!!'

Thanks for your time. Keep up the great work, Ceremony!

Sincerely,
Mike Brody"

I had this all ready to go. And then I googled the lyrics. Turns out he says "Back in '84 I nearly choked on the u-cord." I'll admit, I was disappointed. Not only was there no mention of unicorns, but I think "u-cord" is a bit of a stretch (no pun intended). I realize that "umbilical cord" is a tough one to fit into even the least musical sounding of genres. But damn, it sounds like J-Lo invented that term. Anyway, Ceremony, my questions still stand and I expect a detailed report on my desk by Monday. My hope is no one from the band ever chokes on a unicorn in real life because then I'd feel like a total jerk. Be safe, Ceremony!

And please, check out their new album "Rohnert Park". It's really the best hardcore album I've heard in ages.

Eh, Canada!

2011-01-18T13:19:00.008-06:00

Recently my stand-up comedy travels took me to Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Is that how you write that? I feel like that's too many names for one place. It's kind of cocky, like Jennifer Love Hewitt or Philip Seymour Hoffman. Come on, Canada, you're supposed to be the humble one. Actually, now that I think about it, there's some pretty decent hipster actor names to be had with Canadian cities. Can you imagine being on the red carpet and seeing the sexy starlet Winnipeg Manitoba Canada saunter up? And don't forget her boy-toy for the moment: Halifax Nova Scotia Canada. The problem with this idea is that every couple would have to be married or else they'd seem inappropriately related. Which could actually help pave the way for the Randy Quaid-esque Saskatoon Saskatchewan Canada.

Oh boy, did I sidebar before I even started? Anyway, maybe it's because I live in Minnesota (and maybe Canadians don't want to hear this), but Canada seems pretty much exactly like America. The accent is a little different, but other than that it's the same landscape, same kind of people, same mood. Except something is just slightly off. Like there's a glitch in the Matrix. It's like when Neo is walking up the stairs and the same cat walks by twice. "Whoa!" That's what Canada is. One minute you're walking through Bizarro America and then DOUBLE-TAKE, is that written in French?! Coincidentally, Canada just got the Matrix as well.

And their oatmeal's weird. That's the small kind of stuff that can make you feel scared and all alone on the road, when everything else seems normal and then suddenly you're looking at the tiniest little grains of oats in a flour bag instead of the normal, America-accepted big cardboard tube. I imagine it's what the first astronauts on the Moon felt. "I am far away from home."

Here is a short list of other small things that are different about Canada that you don't notice at first glance:

1) Tim Horton's - Don't fuck with Canadians and their Tim Horton's. It's like pissing on a bald eagle in America.

2) Money - They pay with an elaborate system of conch shells and marbles in Canada. Somehow, it's still worth more than the USD right now.

3) Beer - I don't drink anymore, but something tells me I owe my recent life to that. I don't know if I'd have survived Canada. They don't drink so much as they occasionally get sober. They drink rubbing alcohol to come down. They don't mess around.

4) Health-care - Not to get political, but I asked them. They don't hate it.

5) Health FOOD - This is not a craze that has reached Canada yet. I'm not claiming to be the best eater in the world, but I'm trying. But not while in Canada. Healthy to them means a little less gravy on their poutine. I ate a live pig while I was there. The pig was eating a funnel cake. The funnel cake was eating Sour Patch Kids. It's a miracle anybody makes it over 45 in Canada, but the cold seems to preserve them like a jar of formaldehyde. Ted Williams and Walt Disney got it wrong. Instead of cryogenically freezing themselves Han Solo style, they should have changed their name to Quebec City Quebec Canada and lived forever Yukon-style.

Friday Oct 29, 2010 - The Louisville YMCA

2010-10-29T15:34:00.002-05:00

When: 10/29/2010

Where: The YMCA - Louisville, KY

Who: Stupid loud old guy bothering me

How: My YMCA pass is transferable nation-wide, so while in Louisville this week I've been going to the gym. Unfortunately, today I forgot my headphones. At first I thought this wouldn't be so bad since I could use the free mental space to write and work on jokes in my head. That's how it would have happened if Cap't Listen-To-Me hadn't shown up. He was in his 50's or 60's, had a green tank top on and I'm pretty sure his nipples sagged to the floor. I never saw them but that's just how it goes in my head. He was using the bench next to me and whenever he'd raise his dumbbell he'd whisper "3...2....1". Damn dude you can't count in your head? I'm easily distracted enough as it is. Are you practicing the world's quietest shuttle lift off? You know I can hear you, right? How am I supposed to remember what count I'm on when it sounds like Peter Pan is whispering in my ear? Then he belched loudly. And then his cell phone went off (clipped on his belt as is the rule for all men over 50) and he answered it in the gym! I don't know what he said because I was too blind with fury but I'm pretty sure it was about Applebees and liking dumb things.

I realize that my pet-peeves make me mildly insane, so I'll try to put a positive spin on it. Maybe this guy was raised in a family of mimes and was never allowed to make a sound until the freedom of his 18th birthday when he could leave forever. So now he lives his life counting out loud and burping and being a douche as an act of rebellion against the tyranny of his imaginary box growing up. Boy, it's not often that the best-case scenario for something is mimery.

I'm getting married

2010-07-21T10:47:00.001-05:00

Hey guys...

You know how some movie reviews say "Spoiler alert" as a warning before they ruin the ending? Well, this blog today has a "Gag alert". I'm going to be talking about the woman I love and am marrying and if you get weirded out by lovey-dovey stuff then turn back now! I mean it. Now's your last chance. It's gonna get gross.

We met on Match.com. She HATES admitting that. She's come up with almost every other story imaginable so she doesn't have to tell people that. "We met while white-water rafting." "We met in a pie-eating contest". "I was at a petting zoo and a magical fairy turned a goat into a boy." Anything but the truth. Match.com! Not only that, we were each other's #1 Match. Yep. They oughta make a commercial out of us.

I didn't immediately respond to her because her profile had no pictures. I had a paranoia about people without pictures being dudes or CIA agents or something so I avoided it. She still gives me shit about it. We exchanged some emails and decided to meet.

Here's the thing...

...I grew up watching crappy Disney movies where love seems to come naturally and easily. I believed in it. My whole young life, just like a 12-year-old girl, I waited to meet the perfect person that the movies promised me was real. And then life happened. I became cynical. I decided that it was all Hollywood bullshit and that I'd live a solitary existence and that was that. I thought I was strong because of this realization. I didn't need anybody. Past relationships hadn't worked...

...Flash forward to January 2010. Cynical old Mike Brody lays eyes on Zan Godschalx. And it was love at first sight. It's real. How can it be real? That can't be right. Are unicorns real too? Maybe! Because I swear to you, Blog World, I fell in love with her right then and there. Luckily, so did she. Six days later we told each other so. A couple months later I was living with her. Six months (almost to the day) we decided to get married.

It's going to happen in a treehouse in Arkansas in September. Just the two of us and the person who marries us. No frills. (Unless you think a treehouse is frilly. It kind of looks like the Ewok Forest, so perhaps!) Why Arkansas? Why not? And then we're going to stay in a tiger wildlife refuge. Awesome! Why such a small wedding with no guests? Because that's how we wanted it. We love our family and friends dearly and a big celebration would be flattering, but take a look around. Marriages are failing left and right. We wanted ours to be based on the things we love about each other. Like love and adventure and common-ground. Not money and cake and bachelor parties. If the trend is for marriages to fail, then we're going to start ours off with the statement that ours is different. It's not a knock on other people's weddings, but a declaration of "us".

So right here and now, I want to say thanks to all the family and friends who supported us when we told them the news.

Thanks to my parents. They were shocked for the first 10 minutes after I told them. They were completely blind-sided. But once they heard me spilling my heart out about Zan, they realized this was for real and their shock turned to joy. Thanks so much Mom and Dad and Lisa. Your support means everything to me.

Thank you to Zan's family. You guys are wonderful. I've only just met you, but you welcomed me in with open arms and I felt like I was immediately one of you. I could not ask for a better family to be marrying into.

And the biggest thanks goes to Zan.

Thank you for being the person I always knew existed.

Thank you for making me believe in soulmates.

Thank you for running to hug me every time I come home.

Thank you for calling me pet names and saying you love me 300 times a day.

Thank you for leaving me Ziploc bags of watermelon in the fridge.

Thank you for making me, a man who's never sure about anything, 100% positive about something for the first time in his life.

Thank you for being artistic and original and multi-talented and genius.

Thank you for noticing the little involuntary squeaky noises I make when I'm secretly proud of myself.

Thank you for supporting my comedy career. It can't be easy that I have to travel so much. You make me not feel guilty about it somehow. Incredible!

Thank you for agreeing to share this life with me. I promise to love you with all my heart until we're old and gray and poopy and we both squeak whether we are proud of ourselves or not.

I love you Zan. :)

Labyrinth 4 - Valparaiso Resurrection Labyrinth - Valparaiso, IN

2010-06-05T23:48:00.050-05:00

Shhhhhh.....

Indiana's got a secret: It doesn't totally blow.

I guess I wouldn't have known before. See, I'm a stand-up comedian. But even though I travel all over the country, I rarely actually see anything. That's because I am a lazy, lazy bum. All I do all day is sleep and look up stuff online and eventually get onstage. As pathetic as it seems, I usually only see my hotel room and the comedy club. And I never cared. In most places, I assumed that there was nothing in the vicinity that was of any beauty. Are you kidding me? By the McDonald's? Screw it. Why should I roam? All I'm going to miss is a Best Buy. I never looked for the secret treasures that any "average" neighborhood in the country could hide. Secrets? In Indiana? Young Larry Bird's gotta be full of it.

Luckily, thanks in part to this labyrinth project I've been fiddling with, these close-minded ideas of mine have begun to change. Already, in just a handful of times, I've seen landscapes and architecture of such magnificent beauty that I'm kicking myself for all the wasted years. And it's always been right here. It's in Indiana and Iowa and Estonia and...anywhere!

Which leads me to The Valparaiso University Chapel of the Resurrection's labyrinth. Let me explain what I do as quickly as I can. I travel to a town (usually for comedy). I go to labyrinthlocator.com and find a labyrinth that is within 25 miles of where I'm staying. I go to it. I write about it. So here we go!

Forgiveness factor: High. As you've probably figured out - I have a thing against Indiana. Look, I grew up in Iowa so I realize I don't have the right to talk smack about states. I get it. But bad things always happen to me in Indiana. Someone smashed my car window out here for no reason and I've been called a homo more than I'd like to admit. People with peach-fuzz mustaches have generally gotten very aggressively in my face in Indiana and I don't know why. What the Valparaiso Resurrection church and labyrinth made me realize is that it had more to do with my tour itinerary than the state itself. Maybe I've been going to the crap Indiana towns? Because clearly, especially in a college town like Valparaiso, intelligent people exist. What a relief! I mean, I'm not particularly cultured myself. But as of now, no longer will I call all Indiana residents "Those John Cougar Mellancamp lovin' mother$#@&ers." I feel like re-enacting that scene from Good Will Hunting where they hug. I'm Robin Williams and Indiana is Matt Damon. "It's not your fault, Indiana. It's not your fault."

Distraction factor: Through the roof. Literally. So the whole point of going to a labyrinth is to walk through it slowly and meditatively while you contemplate your spiritual journey through life. Do you have any idea how hard that is to do when the most beautiful church you've ever seen is directly next to it? It's like the tower of Sauron if he weren't a jerk. (Nerds?)

Mild revelation factor: Once again - High! I think I'm starting to figure these labyrinths out. It's not about the labyrinth itself; it's where it takes you. Because if I hadn't found it online, I would never have ended up at this gorgeous chapel. I'm not going to lie - I coasted through this labyrinth. I just couldn't take my eyes off of the church the whole time. I had to get inside and take a look, which is exactly what I did. There were two weddings going on that day and I just happened to arrive in the down-time between the two. Other than a few people cleaning up, I was essentially alone in the most breath-taking building I've ever been inside of.

So that's it. No more writing. I dedicate the rest of this blog to the sloppy, amateur pictures I took inside and hope that it shows even 1% of the beauty that the place actually has. Thanks Indiana.

(Click on pics to get a larger version.)

Mike Brody - Six Minute set at the Rick Bronson's House of Comedy in the Mall of America

2010-06-05T19:53:00.006-05:00

This is from the January of 2010. I had it embedded, but the whole screen wouldn't fit on my blog. So click here to watch it!